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Half Cut Moon
Glimpsing the suns face
The half cut moon drains pallid
Its dark side, hidden
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
mand
Wed, 2010-12-15 06:59
Hi Shirl
Thanx for reading and commenting! I'd like to have seen you half cut doin a moony.lol
Hope you and Vanni are o.k.
LOads of love
Mand xxxxxx
author commentmand
Wed, 2010-12-15 07:11
Hello Longo
Good to see you!! You are a jewel for taking the time and effort to read and comment.
Thank you my freind.
Love Mand xxxxxxxx
author commentBonitaj
Wed, 2010-12-15 14:38
Mand!
Definately the first one - as it reads in the poem. Not so cliched, much stronger!
Almost as good as a haiku - or is it one? ;)
Nice work
Boni
Bonitaj
mand
Wed, 2010-12-15 15:00
Hello Bonitaj
Grateful for your feedback. - Yes it is a haiku - my second attempt.
I'm really pleased you took the time to read and comment - much appreciated.
Thanking you
Love Mand xxxxxxxxxx
author commentNordic cloud
Wed, 2010-12-15 16:31
Oh this was special Mand.
Oh this was special Mand.
Just yesterday I glanced up at the moon
as I walked out in the crisp frosty night snow,
and thought, there's only half a moon..
I began:-
Half a moon,
and half an apple,
half a pear,
half of me
and half of you
.........but I got no further just then,
interrupted!!
Yours is very nice, thank you Mand
and love from Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
mand
Thu, 2010-12-16 04:47
Helloo Ann
Sooo good to hear from you. Nothing like going for a walk in the crisp frosty night snow, so clear and quite - millions of stars glitter their light as they have done for thousands of years - sometimes we get to see shooting stars that last just a few seconds.
I hope you finish your poem Ann - Sometimes a poem is caught in a moment - I hope you didn't loose the thread when you were interrupted.
Glad you liked the poem - Just experimenting with Haiku.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment
Love to you
Mand xxxxxxxxx
author commentmand
Thu, 2010-12-16 04:52
Hello Amalzamani
Good to hear from you. I hope you are o.k!!
I'm attempting different styles - this one evolved. If you like it as it is I'll keep it this way.
Glad to have your imput - means alot to me
Thanks Amalzamani
With love Mand xxxxxxxxxx
author commentKailashana2
Thu, 2010-12-16 07:06
The second line is
The second line is outstanding!
the 3rd line stumbles for me a bit.....may I suggest:
its dark side, hidden
Hugs,
p.s. sun's
mand
Thu, 2010-12-16 07:28
Hellooo Anna
Oh! Soo glad to hear from you. I do feel abit insecure with these haiku poems so I'm really glad of your advice and help! And I want to thank you for reading and taking an interest.
I bow to your expertise and I will gratefully use your suggestion.
Thank you sooo much Anna
With Love and hugs
Mand xxxxxxxxx
author commentLoreli
Thu, 2010-12-16 07:11
sorry so late here
This really is lovely Mand! A beautiful description in so few words.
Love ya,
Lori
mand
Thu, 2010-12-16 07:33
Hello Loreli
Good to hear from you! Kind of you to read and comment - coming from one such as yourself I am honored.
Thanking you
Love ya too.
Mand xxxxxxxxx
author commentKailashana2
Thu, 2010-12-16 07:36
Never listen to me and for
Never listen to me and for God's sake don't bow. lol!
I just suggest, please go where your heart leads, and if it leads to my suggestion, so be it!
Hugs,
Anna
mand
Thu, 2010-12-16 07:46
Tfhanx Anna
I think your suggestion works wonderfully - and I'm truly appreciative.
Thank you my friend.
Loads of love Mand xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2010-12-16 08:47
moon
The moon as symbolic of the dark side we all keep hidden by refusing to fully show our faces. Easy to see you put a lot of thought into this................................scribbler PS best not bow to Anna or she'll run behind you and kick target thus presented LMAO
mand
Thu, 2010-12-16 08:55
Hello Stan ( glad to see you back! )
Ha ha! I probably need a good kicking. Lol Depends on the size of her boot though - could be a size 11. Ha ha
Sorry Anna - I don't really think you're a size 11. Lol
Hey thanks for reading and commenting.
Loads of love Mand xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
author commentEduardo Cruz
Thu, 2010-12-16 08:51
mand
your an expert at this now, so much is conveyed in such few lines.
I could go On and On, but then i'll be rambling. so i'll just say Bravisima!!
Always Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
mand
Thu, 2010-12-16 08:57
Thank you Mr Eddie!
Hopefully I'm getting the hang of it. Time will tell - but I rely on me buddies to put me right cos I'm still not 100%.
Thanx my friend
Love Mand xxxxxxxxxx Kind of you to read and comment.
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