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Haiku (Japanese Poetry Workshop)

Split water and aire.
Leap the Great Divide in fear.
Thus Koi and fools die.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
What can I say. Forty seven lines short of a poem.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Even your haikus are distinguished!
What's Great Divide ? Please forgive my ignorance
Do you mean the nuclear bomb?
I've learned a new word 'koi' in such a small gem of yours

A typo! Line 1 'air'

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I think not bad for a fellow beginner in Haiku. But I visualize you now restraining one hand with the other in order to Not add to this lol. BTW the syllable count is on the mark...........stan

... I gave this some thought.

And Rula, you should know better by now that I don't post typographical errors. If it is spelled a particular way that is what I intended. More on that word in a moment.

The Great Divide in America usually denotes this-

The Continental Divide of the Americas, or merely the Continental Gulf of Division or Great Divide, is the name given to the principal, and largely mountainous, hydrological divide of the Americas that separates the watersheds that drain into the Pacific Ocean from (1) those river systems that drain into the Atlantic Ocean (including those that drain into the Gulf of Mexico and the Caribbean Sea), and (2) along the northernmost reaches of the Divide, those river systems that drain into the Arctic Ocean.

In the poem, it is meant to denote the boundary between life and death (between water and air for fish and the opposite for humans). In other words be wary of running from one place to another in fear as you may make a fatal mistake.

On the superficial level, it concerned both of my new jobs. One is a pet store where I am responsible for the aquariums, the other is a pond construction contractor where I am also in charge of the large bins keeping the koi. In both locations, one of the most common ways for fish to die is by leaping from the open air tanks onto the floor during the hours we are closed. We often cover the tanks with flat pieces of styrofoam to discourage this, but that can't be maintained as the tanks oxygen levels drop dangerously low without access to the open air.

As for the typo, it was indeed an accident while I was keying the haiku into the computer. I left it on a whim as it means a very special "air". Usually denoting a gentle, welcome breeze or even a lovely, calming piece of music. In respects to the fish, I picture it meaning the beautiful environment beyond the water that draws the koi to their deaths.

I need something of the same nature for "water". As if the water held a siren call to humans who are tricked to their deaths by this false environment (false to the humans). The end result is that we (fish and man alike) are ever seeking to find the "greener grass next door" and often to our detriment.

Now if that's not stretching the edge of incredulity in a poem's professed complexity...

wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

you really need to take this workshop to heart to improve not just your poetry but your commentary.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

There you go again, what you couldn't put in your Senyru (not Haiku) you put in your reply, will we never put your pen to rest???? lol
You need four Haiku's for the start of this workshop, and they are about the seasons and the effect of the seasons on your thoughts and they need to sing.
I shall not rebuke you as you are learning to curb your ways lol, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

This is indeed a good haiku of which only you could accomplished. I agree with Ian. If I hadn't read your comment I would not know what this was about. Love it. Now give us three more good ones like this one.
Great idea for haiku writing from those long storytelling of yours. Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

my humour is often inappropriate.

look up zen
don't try to be magnifiloquent in 17 syllables,
just be exquisite.

Seriously, try again
capture a moment and let it go

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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