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Haiku

Childhood memories,
played to an afternoon rain
while rainbow watching.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

Nice first post. A lifting up 5-7-5 haiku.
If it was mine, I would make a little tweak on the last line

"while rainbow watching"................... rainbow is watching
but it's only me.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Rula made an excellent suggestion for a modification on line three and I will make a suggestion for line two.

"Played to an afternoon rain"

This line stumbles a bit to me due to the consonant and vowel construction and interaction.

I might look at "within" because I feel it flows a it better:

"Played within afternoon rain."

But I like the general snapshot this captures.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Thanks a lot guys, I really appreciate it.

author comment

Welcome to Neopoet, I hope you enjoy being here with us.
Loved this first piece, I quite like the Japanese ways though the syllable count for Western writers is usually less strict.
The only thing I can say on this one is the last line, but it is good as is so not to worry too much, Yours Ian.T

Childhood memories,
played to an afternoon rain,
while rainbows look on

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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