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THE HABIT OF NIGHT MOON

Submitted by Jackweb on Fri, 2018-05-04 13:41

…with a gentle smile
Of a tinted teeth,
Splashing her Golding rays-
Calling…,
The spouse for their honey moon.
The night also calls…
The moon and the stars,
To retreat on his crescent
And the bulky stars stood robust,
Hanging above the vast-divide
Letting the twinkling stars to fizzle out
Though some hang above each other
Waiting for their turn to shine
When dark dwells,
The moon mourns
And the still stars stack ahead.
As the dawn broke out from her shell
We began thirsting for sunlight.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

chevyvent

Fri, 2018-05-04 15:18

chevyvent's picture

Poetry can have a tendency to be abstract by intention especially considering it is written as an expression of self so naturally only the author will have a full understanding

hi poet friend your verses bang in the head and heart I love the dreams your verses explore – an angel has rocked you for your poetry spins before you good wishes fair follower

Mario Vitale

Jackweb

Fri, 2018-05-04 16:56

Jackweb's picture

Waoh! Sir, I'm glad to receive your critique note. So inspiring! A million thanks...

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

raj

Fri, 2018-05-04 17:01

Welcome to Neopoet. Without disappointing you...i must sa that you have aken welcome steps in Neopoet which is a workshop to help us improve ...I am pretty sure you will stand to benefit fro the critique...i urge you to take them in your stride because it would only help you to improve...

best wishes for your talent to flourish...
................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Jackweb

Fri, 2018-05-04 17:36

Jackweb's picture

I'm extremely excited for accepting me as one the members of the Neopoet. With great anticipation, i would loved to stay here forever! Thanks!

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2018-06-01 14:01

weirdelf's picture
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Some of the juxtapositions of imagery made me wonder if the the moss growing on my keyboard may be giving off some sort of hallucinogenic spores. I don't understand the poem but I like it. One critique. The repetition of the word stars four times, was that really necessary?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Jackweb

Fri, 2018-06-01 17:59

Jackweb's picture

Thanks for your eyes passing through the poem. The racing eyes here (Neopoet members) are like patrol teams, making more of intelligent discoveries of poetic failures in some poems. Its pretty good all of them got instant overhauling by great sage of men and women.

I think the occurrence of the repetition is used to emphasize a feeling or idea, create rhythm, and/or develop a sense of urgency.
If you examine clearer the other stars expressed in different nature, that is, the form of their state. 'bulky stars, twinkle stars, still stars etc...

just like one character in a movie performs different actions and yet remains what it is.

Thanks for the observation.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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