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H-Town Ballad
Come and sit in the scorching sear
Put on a hat and pull out a beer
Hollar out a howdy and a y'all or two
Then smack at the squitos and tell them to shoo
Pull out a tent and let's go camping
Don't grab a trailer unless your glamping
Climb a tree or wade in a brook
Then go grab those dogs you've been waiting to cook
April, May, June, July
Hurricane season won't fly by
It will sit and sit and relieve itself
'Knock all the stuff off of your shelf
Then comes winter and no, no, no
Before you say it, it just won't snow
Big red Santa in a cowboy hat
Before you ask it he's the same less fat
Look around at this beautiful place
'Then wipe the salty sweat off your face
'Scratch your bites, tug your hat round your ears.'
This is my home and I love living here
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Viviana Smith
Mon, 2020-09-14 10:42
houston
I love Houston ya'll!
Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)
Teddy15
Mon, 2020-09-14 15:27
Dear Viviana
I do adore this i have one question
Then go grab those dogs you've been waiting to cook------ do you cook the dog? lol i'm quite sure you don't but i will await your responce before i give my idea.
Thank you...Teddy
Viviana Smith
Tue, 2020-09-15 15:16
sorry
just seeing this
no dogs was short for hot dogs
and squitos is short for mosquitoes
Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)
Teddy15
Tue, 2020-09-15 15:29
Dear Viviana
i don't know how i could have ever missed the dog, fabulous and squitos i got straight away. love your title. good luck in the contest darling.
Thank you...Teddy
Geezer
Mon, 2020-09-14 16:42
I really enjoyed...
this one! i know what you mean by [dogs]. Ya'll mean Hot dogs or frankfurters. One of my favorite foods anytime of the year.
I like the two line rhyme and and all, but you don't have a title! This needs a title. ~ Geezer.
.
Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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Teddy15
Tue, 2020-09-15 02:32
Lol
Hotdogs oh yes, I didn't think, im british living in Florence, we forget the slang sometimes, Geezer is my knight!
Yes this is wonderful. Make sure it gets into the competition it's a really wonderful one. what you also need to do is find a title, make it deeply from your heart like the poem, because your rhyming and passion within this write is truly wonderful, its a competition entry for sure. Great work young lady. i am truly impressed
Thank you...Teddy
Viviana Smith
Tue, 2020-09-15 15:18
thanks
thanks any ideas for a title?
Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)
Geezer
Wed, 2020-09-16 11:34
I like your choice...
of title. Makes it sound rather hip and cool. H-Town. Very nice and good luck. ~ Geezer.
.
Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.
Alan S Jeeves
Sun, 2020-09-20 11:38
I Think...
that your piece is spoiled before it gets started with the first couplet being out of step with the rhyming scheme of the remainder Viviana. Perhaps:-
Come and sit in the scorching sear
Put on a hat and pull out a beer.
.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................
Viviana Smith
Sun, 2020-09-20 12:17
thanks
Thanks for the critique I didn't see that at first.
Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)
Alan S Jeeves
Sun, 2020-09-20 16:01
I also think...
Your stanza 5, line 1, could do with a couple more syllables. You are only using 5 followed by an 8 line. Nothing wrong with including 'May' as 1 and 'and' as the second. That way you are still keeping an odd number of syllables line followed by a perfect 8.
'April, May, June and July
Hurricane season won't fly by'
.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................
Viviana Smith
Mon, 2020-09-21 21:56
cool
ok thanks this is making it a lot better.
Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)
Alan S Jeeves
Tue, 2020-09-22 03:50
Just a couple more things Vivi.
Stanza 9, L. 2 - A couple of syllables short I think:
'Then wipe the salty sweat off your face.'
Penultimate line - Maybe couple of syllables too long this time:
'Scratch your bites, tug your hat round your ears.'
In stanza 6, L. 2 - Why not try:-
'Knock all the stuff off of your shelf.' ? (It has a nice ring to it). What do you think?
What a nuisance I am Vivi!
.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................
Viviana Smith
Tue, 2020-09-22 09:57
Its ok
This is changing my poem for the better. That's the whole point of it. I am getting critiqued. When you tell someone they need to change their work don't ever think you are a nuisance for doing it. The best people get built up from criticism and become something great. You're not the only one who has Critiqued me and I like the changes you're making to my poem.
(You are right Critique is a complement, It shows that others care so much about your work they want to help you make it better)
Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)
Alan S Jeeves
Tue, 2020-09-22 15:33
Your poem...
flows like champagne at a wedding now Vivi.
.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................
Teddy15
Tue, 2020-09-22 10:10
Dear Viviana
Brava! It's such a delight to read.
Thank you...Teddy
Breakinglogic
Tue, 2020-09-22 12:30
Viviana,
Viviana,
What a fun poem! Your first line is very smooth and engaging! Loved the jargon and the unexpected run in with the word glamping:)
☆ raffy
Mark
Fri, 2020-10-09 23:39
Never been to Texas but
but now know I would love it !
Congratulations Viviana,
Mark
Please comment anywhere anytime.
Ray Whitaker
Mon, 2020-10-12 07:15
Congrats on winning the contest,
Nice job!
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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