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H-Town Ballad

Submitted by Viviana Smith on Mon, 2020-09-14 10:41

Come and sit in the scorching sear
Put on a hat and pull out a beer

Hollar out a howdy and a y'all or two
Then smack at the squitos and tell them to shoo

Pull out a tent and let's go camping
Don't grab a trailer unless your glamping

Climb a tree or wade in a brook
Then go grab those dogs you've been waiting to cook

April, May, June, July
Hurricane season won't fly by

It will sit and sit and relieve itself
'Knock all the stuff off of your shelf

Then comes winter and no, no, no
Before you say it, it just won't snow

Big red Santa in a cowboy hat
Before you ask it he's the same less fat

Look around at this beautiful place
'Then wipe the salty sweat off your face

'Scratch your bites, tug your hat round your ears.'
This is my home and I love living here

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Personify Your Hometown
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Viviana Smith

Mon, 2020-09-14 10:42

Viviana Smith's picture

I love Houston ya'll!

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

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Teddy15

Mon, 2020-09-14 15:27

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I do adore this i have one question

Then go grab those dogs you've been waiting to cook------ do you cook the dog? lol i'm quite sure you don't but i will await your responce before i give my idea.

Thank you...Teddy

Viviana Smith

Tue, 2020-09-15 15:16

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just seeing this
no dogs was short for hot dogs
and squitos is short for mosquitoes

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

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Teddy15

Tue, 2020-09-15 15:29

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i don't know how i could have ever missed the dog, fabulous and squitos i got straight away. love your title. good luck in the contest darling.

Thank you...Teddy

Geezer

Mon, 2020-09-14 16:42

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this one! i know what you mean by [dogs]. Ya'll mean Hot dogs or frankfurters. One of my favorite foods anytime of the year.
I like the two line rhyme and and all, but you don't have a title! This needs a title. ~ Geezer.
.

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Teddy15

Tue, 2020-09-15 02:32

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Hotdogs oh yes, I didn't think, im british living in Florence, we forget the slang sometimes, Geezer is my knight!
Yes this is wonderful. Make sure it gets into the competition it's a really wonderful one. what you also need to do is find a title, make it deeply from your heart like the poem, because your rhyming and passion within this write is truly wonderful, its a competition entry for sure. Great work young lady. i am truly impressed

Thank you...Teddy

Viviana Smith

Tue, 2020-09-15 15:18

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thanks any ideas for a title?

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

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Geezer

Wed, 2020-09-16 11:34

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of title. Makes it sound rather hip and cool. H-Town. Very nice and good luck. ~ Geezer.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

Alan S Jeeves

Sun, 2020-09-20 11:38

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that your piece is spoiled before it gets started with the first couplet being out of step with the rhyming scheme of the remainder Viviana. Perhaps:-

Come and sit in the scorching sear
Put on a hat and pull out a beer.

 

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Viviana Smith

Sun, 2020-09-20 12:17

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Thanks for the critique I didn't see that at first.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

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Alan S Jeeves

Sun, 2020-09-20 16:01

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Your stanza 5, line 1, could do with a couple more syllables. You are only using 5 followed by an 8 line. Nothing wrong with including 'May' as 1 and 'and' as the second. That way you are still keeping an odd number of syllables line followed by a perfect 8.

'April, May, June and July
Hurricane season won't fly by'

 

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Viviana Smith

Mon, 2020-09-21 21:56

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ok thanks this is making it a lot better.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

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Alan S Jeeves

Tue, 2020-09-22 03:50

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Stanza 9, L. 2 - A couple of syllables short I think:

'Then wipe the salty sweat off your face.'

Penultimate line - Maybe couple of syllables too long this time:

'Scratch your bites, tug your hat round your ears.'

In stanza 6, L. 2 - Why not try:-

'Knock all the stuff off of your shelf.'  ?  (It has a nice ring to it).  What do you think?

What a nuisance I am Vivi!

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Viviana Smith

Tue, 2020-09-22 09:57

Viviana Smith's picture

This is changing my poem for the better. That's the whole point of it. I am getting critiqued. When you tell someone they need to change their work don't ever think you are a nuisance for doing it. The best people get built up from criticism and become something great. You're not the only one who has Critiqued me and I like the changes you're making to my poem.
(You are right Critique is a complement, It shows that others care so much about your work they want to help you make it better)

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

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Alan S Jeeves

Tue, 2020-09-22 15:33

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flows like champagne at a wedding now Vivi.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Teddy15

Tue, 2020-09-22 10:10

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Brava! It's such a delight to read.

Thank you...Teddy

Breakinglogic

Tue, 2020-09-22 12:30

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Viviana,
What a fun poem! Your first line is very smooth and engaging! Loved the jargon and the unexpected run in with the word glamping:)

☆ raffy

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