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the grey matter garden

Submitted by cathy mccormick on Sat, 2019-08-31 01:25

there are violent storms
on each side of the sky
pure resurrection
and rotting of worms
behind that third eye
where grow the roots
of metaphor.
where curious alice
takes a tumble,
and stones with hands
fuss and fumble.
what lurks inside
a dimly lit mirror?
hell, hidden, or heaven
within should be clear.
childhood repressions,
adult repercussions ,
emotional, volatile
mental eruptions.
sometimes,
psychotic corruptions.
sometimes,
depths of vessels:
lopsided alphabets,
backward sentences,
wish fulfillments,
revenges worked out
in a place of certainty
and doubt.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
this is half of a poem.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

cathy mccormick

Sat, 2019-08-31 07:58

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thanks, mark. i never use capitals, i can. i am writing (or trying) to write about the human mind. the "grey" matter the brain is sometimes referred to as. (i can't believe i finally, with your help, figured this out!). i will use capital letters if that is better. i do not know what is popular or expected or accepted nowadays. i started writing again about a year and a half ago after a 40 year break

author comment

cathy mccormick

Sat, 2019-08-31 23:06

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thanks again, mark. i would not be "here" without your assistance. do you think most people would not understand this poem? i am experimenting with free verse. i usually don't write it.

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2019-08-31 12:36

Geezer's picture
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that it is better for tech reasons, but it may be for some readers. Not a big deal, as many here capitalize the first word of each line regardless of if it starts a new sentence or not. As Mark says; it often is the preference of the author; as to capitalization, and punctuation and things of that nature. I do believe that many times, we have to be flexible and cater to the reader. After all, it is why we write; to give the reader the story. If enough people remark that it is hard to understand or read, then we adapt. Welcome to Neo. I hope that you find the outlet you are looking for and that you will enjoy the workshops, feedback and critique. Join our monthly contests and have a great time!
By the way, I did enjoy your poem and will be looking forward to seeing more of what you write. ~ Geezer.
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cathy mccormick

Sat, 2019-08-31 23:04

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thanks. i am glad you enjoyed the poem. i am experimenting with free verse, i usually prefer rhyme. working on my rhythm. i have, since i started writing again, tried to read modern poets. much of what i see, i cannot understand! i don't know if most would not get this or not. i am looking forward to feedback and being part of neo poet. maybe i will capitalize or not. i am just lazy, not used to it unless it is something that absolutely requires it.

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2019-09-02 11:51

Geezer's picture
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primarily a rhymer myself, so I read what you wrote as rhyme; not realizing that you had intended it as being free style! You had more than enough rhyme and near rhyme here to convince me. ~ Geezer.
.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

cathy mccormick

Tue, 2019-09-03 05:42

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i do not follow many rules because i don't know them! rhyme is my love and i don't seem to be able to keep it out. i don't think anyone is getting this. because of one word: alice. i am not referring to her. i am trying to write about the human brain - grey matter, which can of course be between black and white but also where all things strange, wonderful and terrible come from. i don't think i succeeded
thank you very much for responding. i really want input. i understand me but i don't know who else does!

author comment

Eumolpus

Mon, 2019-09-02 00:33

Eumolpus's picture

as 'half a poem' it's awkward to discuss content, as I'm not sure where the poem is going. The reference to the grey garden, abstract enough in the Carol book. I am lost from the start "each side of the sky" . Whereas "meaning" on any level is not approachable with Alice's tale, I'm not sure a perceived meaning can exist by using the grey garden as the subject.
But I like the language and sound of your poem. As you know, there are no rules to how you write poetry in form anymore; lower case, indentations, prose presentation, no punctuation, concrete poetry etc...that's all fine on the page as long as the poem reads and sounds like a poem. and your poem does.

I have no problem using lower case, I just self published a book called "poems in lower case" with about 50 poems, so I also often just use lower case. It has a freedom about it, and if it's lower case, it should all be lower case, like "alice" But personally I think if you are going to use punctuation, use caps. Otherwise, don't use punctuation. You don't need it. Questions can be asked without question marks. To me this style is awkward. Of course, that's a personal opinion. The lower case doesn't feel natural to me when ornamented with punctuation, it feels contrived.

But I would look forward seeing a completed work. However, if you consider this as a poem:

What lurks inside
a dimly lit mirror?
Hell, hidden, or heaven
within should be clear.
Childhood repressions,
adult repercussions ,
emotional, volatile
mental eruptions.
sometimes,
psychotic corruptions.
sometimes,
depths of vessels:
lopsided alphabets,
backward sentences,
wish fulfillments,
revenges worked out
in a place of certainty
and doubt.

you have a clear formed work with irony and poetic truths. Forget Alice in this one...for me that becomes an abstract distraction to what the second part of his poem is about

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

cathy mccormick

Mon, 2019-09-02 08:44

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thank you so much for taking the time to support me. i hate to give up alice. i think i would prefer to give up the punctuation - that does not bother me at all. i will post the last half of the poem as soon as i can. your comments have been very helpful to me.

author comment
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