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Greed (in three different forms)

Freeform (my comfort Zone)

I am what damns your soul,
the negation of your hopes,
the madness making skeletons
of children
while watchers suck
cooked meat from bones;

I am despairing mother
crying for her babies
in the cold,
their father jailed
for stealing what would
fill his children's
empty bellies,

I am the muzzle
of a pistol
in the mouth
of someone thrown away
like so much garbage
after forty years
of loyalty and hard work
by others clamoring
for more cash

I am what stares back contemptuous
from occasional mirror.

Sonnet form

I am the naked want that kills all hope,
turning children into skeletons while
you watchers gaze, unfeeling as you grope
for one more rotting morsel from your pile.

I am mothers crying for their children
because their fathers, to feed their hunger,
find themselves in unforgiving prison
for stealing from a grocery dumpster.

I am the muzzle of a gun between
the lips of someone thrown away like trash
after forty years of work and routine
by CFOs who hunger for more cash.

I am that miniscule, scornful flicker
of contempt, staring back from your mirror.

villanelle form

I am the naked want that warps desire
who gleefully murders all trust and care,
the one that makes your dreams and hopes expire

For when rapacity and hate conspire,
turning minds from charity to fortune's snare
I am the naked want that warps desire

and when you look into a mirror
you often see my comteptuous glare,
the one that makes your dreams and hopes expire

Mothers of hungry children screaming dire,
jailed fathers turning backs in rank despair,
I am the naked want that warps desire

The cast-off suicide with pistol primed to fire
is the latest victim of my famished stare
the one that makes your dreams and hopes expire

I am the smoke of future's funeral pyre,
the squirm of lust in every desperate prayer
I am the naked want that warps desire
the one that makes your dreams and hopes expire

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Three different poem forms on the same subject, as per Scribbler's challenge. Freeform is my comfort zone, the others are western classic, and much more difficult! Hard, but fun.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Your choice of words is close to perfection. It gave this poem great power. It gives a great punch and leaves you thinking. It let my breathless.

Much Love,
Elizabeth

Thank you so much.
It took me awhile to get the other two right: freeform is the easiest, for me, rhyme is still pretty difficult, I can't seem to ever have the right words at my fingertips, I have to think and research and edit and rewrite and cut and...
lol It's just HARD!!!

Glad you enjoyed these,

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

If I have to pick a favorite...I would say the villanelle. I love the structured flow and word choice is so very graphic and kind of in-your-face style.
This subject flows very well in similarity through them all. I believe you have nailed Scribblers challenge excellently!
Maybe a few tweaks..but I am just enjoying the poems tonight and absorbing this feat.
" am the naked want that warps desire
who gleefully murderers all trust and care,
the one that makes your dreams and hopes expire"..........wonderfully strong. I just keep reading the Villanelle over and over...gonna have to book mark this one for sure.
Totally wrapped my brain.
Always,
Tonya

:)
Thank you so much.
I will hold you to the edit; I already see some needed changes myself, lol.
The villanelle was, and is for me, the hardest to write. It's really tough for me to get the rhymes right, although I am finding it a little easier. Neopoet has helped a great deal in that regard!

Thanks again, Tonya.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Jim, these really are minute ideas (except for the
2 spelling errors)
Some people are fans of cryptic lines, I am not one
of them. I like a smooth flow…so, the suggestions
are just a matter of taste, perhaps. And too, it depends
on the poem. In this poem, I would chose the smooth
read because of the complete thoughts of each line and
not just snap shots of images.

I am (the) despairing mother
Crying for her babies…”

3rd stanza.- If you change garbage to ‘trash’
you will actually keep closer to a more even
structure of rhyme—even though the poem is
free verse, the reading will flow a bit smoother.
(Not that it really needs that! lol) Just a tiny bit
more aesthetic to me. And Maaaaaaybe…”of
loyalty and (hard) work/ by others clamoring
for (more) cash.”
(just suggestions..’hard’ adds a bit to the toil and
‘more’ adds to the greed.
Clammering..I think should be ‘clamoring’

I think the last word ‘mirror’, would be better plural.?
Or….make it “from (the) occasional mirror.”
(misspell on ocasional).

Sonnets are so hard to critique..any changes throw the
whole syllable count off.
I don’t think I would change anything in the Villanelle.
Loved it loved it loved it.. ..and still do this am with a
fresh brain! lol

Still…very nice on them all.

Always,
Tonya

Thanks for the edit, much appreciated.
I liked the "hard" and "more" additions, they work well.
and the spelling...ouch! lol.
Thanks again.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I don't know if you're gonna read this - you say you're taking some time away - so I'll just say have fun, write some, and stay well, my friend.

>>large virtual hug<<

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Ahha ! See the fine results of leaving one's zone ? Glad to see you were more than up to the challenge. Indeed you have educated this beginner in a form unknown before this ( Villanelle ) Kudos.............scribbler

You know, this was such fun, I think maybe we should do it some more!
And....you..."beginner"....LMAO...in WHICH universe is that?

I am glad that you enjoyed this so much.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

just started writing much this past May. Expect you've been at it longer than I lol............scribbler PS challenge is and was meant to be fun !

Thanks, as always, for the kind comments.

Families stealing to feed themselves, and getting jailed when they are caught, is still a reality, here in the States, I'm afraid. They are real criminals, but the circumstances should mitigate.
In some states here, stealing can be a felony, and we have had instances of men being jailed for life - under what we call "three strikes" laws, three felonies and you're done - for stealing food to feed hungry kids and spouses.
Here in Indiana we call it "habitual criminality", but our courts are not mandated to pronounce it, as they are in other states.

Glad you liked these Rosina, I think I'd like to do this again.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I like all three versions, this is dark and deep and I like it

You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down

glad that you like them.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I wrote them in the same sequence that they are posted, easiest to most difficult.

Yah, the villanelle seems to be everyone's favorite!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

If I weren't already in love, I think I'd be falling in love.

Ok, Anna moving on to her point, how does it feel to be a mad genius?

Smile.

~

I love insanity...
...sometimes.

;)

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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