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For the greater good

Our views are skewed,
Dreams shattered into bits
We only saw the bigger picture
Which beclouded our judgment
What have we become?

We were saints who
Champion the cause,
Darkness allures us and
We lost our human empathy. The chasm
Between good or bad became void

Our sins are like ice shards
Beautiful but deadly,
The decision is made already,
A Machiavellian method,
All done for the greater good.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like the title,
Your language use is good, although I think that you should edit for tense; past and present seem to get a little mixed up in places.
I like the cadence, it flows well for the most part, only becoming choppy in one or two places. Read the poem out loud, and you will find those places.
I like the theme; it is a bit worn (used a lot) but I think you have done a good job in making it your own.
I like the beginning. The first line has a great cadence that pulled me to the next line with both its rhythm and its rhyme. And I like the ending; the last stanza is powerful, and making the last line the title is a great way to end.
If I knew what internal logic was, I would comment!
This is good stuff. I look forward to your next submission.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thank you for your review.

author comment

I think the presentation of ideas is superb. There is a universality you have reached which works for most of us no matter what country we live in. The poem is a poem, not propaganda, and the meanings extend nicely. The mentioning of Machiavelli is brilliant, and I have to say with all the Machiavellian around, from our beloved Trump to whatever asshole runs your country. Good find!
Amazing how that evil method still fits so well to our times.
Wonderful image of the "ice shards, beautiful but deadly"

I would tighten up some of the prosody. For example In this stanza

We were saints who
Champion the cause,
Darkness allures us and
We lost our human empathy. The chasm
Between good or bad became void

For me it's too loose, you have lost the integrity of the line. In free verse we pause at the end of the line, it's what separates poetry from prose. There is not as established rhythm, no cadence to justify the enjambment. Why end the line with "and"? Why so many syllables in the 4th line, and the pause. We will pause after chasm, which has a double syllable stress. my take:

We were saints
Champions of the cause;
Now darkness allures us..
We lost our human empathy.
The chasm between good or bad
Became void.

I felt its ok to end with less stresses in the last line. I realize it adds a line to be the only 6 line stanza, but just a suggestion.

The only other small distraction for me was the word "skewed" which sounded to me more like "screwed" , which in either case is what happened to our views.

Kudos to you. a very well thought out poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I appreciate your review.

author comment
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