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The Great Life of Me
Is a leaf really just a leaf?
From bud
Sprouts into her very own beauty
Sparkling off Suns reflection
Her complexity, invisible
In the eyes who believe in her
Waving, to the melody of a soft breeze
Happy to be alive
Giving seed to the next generation
Until, there is no more light
Gradually fading into soft night
Fading in color
Falling gently
Into a deep sleep…
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
i tried a form that i didnt really like so it's back to my old style, it's good to try new things but i have realised i prefer the simpler form.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
Florence (Italy)
Favorite Poets
Those who have the courage to inspire, Oscar Wilde, Dante Alighieri and William Blake, are definately amongst my favourites.
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Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2021-02-16 06:11
I like...
what you have here. Even without the additional visual of the fading, falling look. The only thing that I'm not sure about is;
Leaves aren't evergreens. Evergreens are of the genus, firs and balsams; which have needles. Maybe you could just rid yourself of that last line? The poem seems fine without it.~ Geez.
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Teddy15
Tue, 2021-02-16 06:21
Dear Geezer
So glad you are here, what I wanted was to ask if I would be remembered that's what I'm trying to say in the last line? Do you think deep sleep is good enough for the last words? ok i did it what i was trying to acheive was the word rather than the image of the evergreen leaf, but i'm so glad you called it out because that was my wondering and you have helped immencly as you always do.
Thank you...Teddy
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2021-02-16 14:27
Looks...
and sounds good to me! ~ Geez.
.
Announcing the new chatroom! I will be hosting a chatroom on Saturday nights
from 8pm until 9pm [EST] this coming Saturday. Stop in and
shoot the breeze with the Geez. Our Chatroom is open 24/7
.
Teddy15
Tue, 2021-02-16 14:34
Dear Geezer
Thank you sweet friend.
Thank you...Teddy
author commentLavender
Tue, 2021-02-16 10:43
The Great Life of Me
Hi, Teddy,
What a beautiful cycle of life poem! Reading your intent to be remembered, I wonder: the word "weakening" is vivid and full of imagery, but it also lends itself to a dismissal of sorts. I'm not certain of a different word - maybe something similar to "offering" or "sacrificing" its color? Dunno, but I feel the gift of this leaf / life.
Thank you!
L
Teddy15
Tue, 2021-02-16 11:00
Dear Lavender
I agree, I had the word fading but because I used it twice I took it out I have racked my brain but cannot think of anything better that describes it, maybe I should use fading? Even though I use twice
Thank you...Teddy
author commentLavender
Tue, 2021-02-16 11:13
Hi, Teddy
Maybe "gradually blending into the soft night" - please don't let me confuse you. You will find your words, Teddy. You always, always do! Lovely poetry!
L
chima ononogbu
Tue, 2021-02-16 17:15
Nice piece
Interesting piece, Teddy.
Bathe yourself with poetry and let the world go to pieces.
Teddy15
Tue, 2021-02-16 17:19
Dear chima
Thanks for being here, I tried a fancy ending but it's not really who I am, I usually keep it simple but it was good to get out of my comfort zone. X
Thank you...Teddy
author commentLavender
Wed, 2021-02-17 10:11
Hi, Teddy
Love the simpler form - beautiful!
L
Teddy15
Wed, 2021-02-17 10:17
Dear lavender
Thank you my friend, I am a simple poet, I guess it was good to get outside the comfort zone but in the end I feel so much more comfortable just being me. X
Thank you...Teddy
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