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GRAY DAY THOUGHTS (feedback shop) edit
On an afternoon of rain and wind
thoughts go where they shouldn't stray
and wander forward to the end.
Who shall leave and who shall stay?
I don't think I could bear to see
my life's love lying cold and still.
So selfish as the wish might be
let me be first to top that hill.
But, should I be the one bereft
wait just beyond the crest for me.
I know my heart will soon be cleft
and I'll catch up to you shortly.
I wrote and posted this a while back. Judging by almost total lack of feedback there's obviously plenty wrong with it. So please feel free to tear into it..........stan
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I've tried to smooth this out a bit. The suggestion of changing to night setting would neither match the title nor the mood I tried to create of a drab rainy day. Regardless I thank all who took time to read and give suggestions.......stan
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Wed, 2012-05-16 08:42
hi scribbler
i like the write
as usual, great rhyme
but i think the theme has been overused - therefore i found the concept to be a little 'ho-hum'
that in NO way detracts from the write
i just felt it a little 'old' and perhaps a little 'hallmarky'
and (also as usual lol) i find the rhythm slightly choppy in places
- because of the mixtures of meter
- but i think you claim that as your style
so i'll only point out the one line that really felt a tad long
' thoughts go to where they shouldn't stray' (i'd lose the 'to')
' my life's love lying cold and still.' (great alliteration here)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Wed, 2012-05-16 08:39
Hi Judy
It might just Be a bit overused. After all I've even used it once before lol. As to my style I don't think I've ever claimed Any style other than to try and write in as close to the manner of normal speach as possible and still maintain smooth reading.I agree about that line being a bit long. Thought so when I wrote it but could not decide whether the "to" was needed or not lol. I'll let this gather a few more comments then do some editing..........PS you forgot to punch workshop button............stan
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2012-05-16 08:53
sorry - hit it now
and as for your style - that's exactly what i'm talking about
your attempt to write as close to what you call 'normal speech'
and thus your writes have very mixed meter
lol - a little like frost
and i know you don't want to change, so i don't waste our time addressing it
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Wed, 2012-05-16 09:10
Hi
There is a difference between change and improvement. A lot of times a minor change which improves scansion without foresaking normal speech patterns makes all the difference so don't hesitate to offer ideas. after all Frost didn't write "the road not traveled as much" nor did Poe write"the crow" lol
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2012-05-22 00:36
ok, so I'm flogging a dead horse,
there are two contradictions in your approach stan.
One is that rhyme is not normal speech patterns anyway.
Two if you do rhyme correct meter makes it more natural, not less.
Meter is the natural stress of spoken English.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Tue, 2012-05-22 08:53
hi
horse is old not dead so keep flogging. Almost anybody who wants can write rhyme and most can write near perfect meter after a bit of study. The rub is in trying to write in both without it being apparent to the reader that he/she is reading a regulated form.
I could tell most of my narrative works much more easily in plain prose form. The fact that I choose to mostly write in metered rhyme is the challenge of doing so well. I'm still a rank beginner but hope to eventually progress to doing better............stan
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2012-05-22 09:06
and I'm telling you, from experience,
that meter and rhyme work best together. It's not either or.
If you want to sound natural either write freeform or
learn to seamlessly write meter and rhyme together.
I acknowledge that meter is harder than rhyme if you don't have a natural ear like that bastard lonnie, but it's not a choice. If you rhyme, you meter. Otherwise you end up with yoda-ish inversions or stilted meter, like you do.
At the very least, when giving feedback, try to discern the meter of the original. I saw you get in a terrible muddle recently by not acknowledging near and half rhymes in one of Judy's works. And you have too often made suggestions that completely ignored the meter of other works.
OK, I'm really on your case at the moment. I acknowledge that. It's just that I know you can do better and don't accept your rationalisations.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Tue, 2012-05-22 18:48
hi
I think Yoda speak nearly eliminated from my poems I have lol. And of course perfect ryme and meter are best when done right. Sometimes I think you and others have the mistaken impression that I've taken courses in poetry when I have only studied it as a small part of one semester in literature in high school and the same in college. All these forms, parsing, types of meter and stuff are new to me. So I fully expect to make mistakes and hope the mistakes don't lead others astray. In the mean time I'll keep writing because I accidentally get one right on occasion lol........stan
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2012-05-16 12:01
Dear Stan,
Your title intrigued me, as I often have "gray days." In the first verse: L-1 and L-3 I feel that the rhyme of "win" and "end" feels forced. This is a very touching piece to which I can relate... coming up on the 30th wedding anniversary. And after having a life threatening illness... we worry who will be the first to go. I loved these lines:
But should I be the one bereft
wait just past the crest for me.
I know my heart will soon be cleft
and I'll catch up with you shortly.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Wed, 2012-05-16 13:48
Hi Cat
wind--end.....by forced do you mean the lines sound awkward in achieving the use of rhyming words? 30 years huh? we are coming up on 38 you newly wed lol. I'm going to gather more ideas then edit . That way all changes can be seen at one time. Appreciate your input.............stan
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2012-05-16 14:38
Yes,
the rhyme feels a bit ackward to me. but only those two lines.It could be just me.
Congratulations to you. We got married late.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Wed, 2012-05-16 19:23
Hi Beau
Kinda feels funny when a shop leader is gone a few days and things just keep on trucking. Same thing happened to me in my 1st shop lol........stan
author commentTommi Cordial
Wed, 2012-05-16 17:37
Gray Day Thoughts
Thank you Scribbler for the piece, i did enjoy the poem and i unsderstood it clearly. However the rythm (maybe it's just me) seemed a bit off. As I said before htough, the ppoem in it's entirety was very easy to read and swallow
Tommi
Tommi Cordial
Dawn breaks over marble head...
scribbler
Wed, 2012-05-16 19:25
Hi Tommi
Thank you for the input. I'm gonna get about 1 more comment then begin editing to see if I can smooth it out.........stan
author commentRula
Sun, 2012-05-20 07:24
Hello Stan
As a big fan of yours, I'm here to say that I 've enjoyed reading your piece
and because I am late , I couldn't find a thing to say Lol . I know I am not
allowed to leave without a suggestion so I'd entitle it as " Gray Thoughts" and
I'd change the setting in to be at night instead of noon as bad thoughts usually
invade at night but it is always me..
I'd also add a comma at the end of the lines that precede the conjunctions as
this gives an easier read , I think...
I like it all but these are my favourites
I don't think I could bear to see
my life's love lying cold and still.
So selfish as the wish might be
let me be first to top that hill.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
scribbler
Sun, 2012-05-20 08:23
Hi Rula
Thanks for taking the time to read and leave suggestions. I'm going to try to do an edit today and will keep your ideas in mind while doing it.......................stan
author commentjudyanne
Tue, 2012-05-22 01:11
i like the edit scribbles
you have the write almost in iambic now, and i think your changes have assisted
just a couple of lines and it would be perfect
'On an AF - ter - NOON of RAIN and WIND'
and
'and I'll CATCH up to YOU SHORT - ly'
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Tue, 2012-05-22 08:57
Hi Judy
You know Jess is just getting over being sick> If I were to submit something in perfect meter it might shock him into a relapse. Then You would be appointed shop co-ordinator lmao. I'll look this over a few more time and see how many folks I can shock into intensive care ............stan
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