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Goodbye again

I know that Im not,
the love that you want.
The butterffly effects,
a image that haunts.

The one that you think of,
even when you are not.
The love you truly deserve,
that can not be bought.

I just know these things,
are on their way to you.
Cause karma can be a bitch,
but its got your back too!!

I know you will say,
I dont want or even need.
Its nothing to be ashamed of,
and goes perfect with weed.

I do miss you enormous,
and regret my mistakes.
But if all works out for you,
there wil be no more fakes..

Your an ideal woman,
who takes care of her man.
Not cause she has to,
but beacause she can.

So next good guy in,
better appreciate and earn.
The trust you will give him,
at each and every turn.

He'll handle the nagging,
and ask please for some more.
Cause you stupid asshole,
She isnt your whore.

I can go on for hours,
but no need to indeed.
Im not begging for forgivness,
or even asking please.

In my heart we tried,
just not meant to be.
Different time or circumstance,
well then just maybe.
.
Just wanted to say goodbye,
to my friend and my foe.
You will always be my lover,
and my closet ho.

Theres no need to keep hanging,
we know where that leads.
My head in ur crotch,
and you upon your knees.

Just stick to your guns,
never waiver to settle.
Your true love is out there,
and promise wont meddle.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
i know the writing isnt at par for the course here but its just about helping me feel better
Editing stage: 

Comments

if writing this helps you to be at ease, then how could it be stupid?

Alid

A ramble through the emotions of life.
I expect you will feel better now you have written it down.
I think that this piece can be used as a measure for your future poems.
There is no need for us to go into the why's and wherefore's of this write.
I see you have been here and very quiet for about 10 months, well welcome to our pathway and I will look forward to your writing more and ones that we can give poetry form to.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

In general, I like this piece quite a bit. There's a whimsical, fatalistic bitterness to it that I really enjoy, and it shocks very well, when it gets explicit. The theme is pretty well-worn, used a lot in poems, but you've done pretty well with it.
I know you're not interested in the pattern, by which I assume you mean the cadence, but this is Neopoet, and you want the raw truth, so that raw truth is that I think you could spend some time editing this, and smooth out those bumps and ruts where the cadence gets a little choppy.
But, all in all, this is a good first poem, for Neopoet. I mean, you should have seen some of the god-awful drivel I first posted; this is far superior to that.

Keep writing, and I really do want to see you edit this.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

How about a few examples of the" god-awful drive"?. Maybe we can all learn from them...;)

Alid

Thankfully, they were on the old site, before the crash, so I cannot oblige you ;)
heehee

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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