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Goodbye 2012
GOODBYE 2012 (31/12/12 @15.00)
This interminable, lousy, day is sucking its last breath
When it finally strikes twelve, my clock is done.
Another year, Dear God, another; filled with storms and death.
"TICK_TOCK,"; yet one more mother lost a son.
I tightly shut my eyes and squeeze my hands on ears and mouth
But any way to save some, I don't know
The Northern gales, fringed with my tears, are tearing at my house.
I find exhausted Goldfinch in the snow .
And in Kabul the Landrover has skidded to a halt......
The sergeant, a keen birdwatcher, leans through.
He picks up the Goldfinch carefully, a wonderful result!
For the IED explodes where they were due!
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2012-12-31 20:42
I can see...
the relationship between the two scenes is the Goldfinches, but I would exchange these lines like so,
The Northern gales, fringed with my tears, are tearing at my house
I find exhausted Goldfinch in the snow
I tightly close my eyes, and squeeze my hands on ears and mouth
But any way to save them, I don't know
It seems to me, that it makes the story just a little bit smoother. Good work other than that. ~ Geezer
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Tam the Chanter
Wed, 2013-01-09 10:55
input
Your input is valued and appreciated, Geezer, but in this case I wanted to have a series of seemingly unconnected events drawn together by the Goldfinch. I realise it makes for a rather rough narrative but I think it works (almost). Thanks for taking the time to crit the piece.
Ian
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
author commentFrenchf
Mon, 2012-12-31 22:02
Sucking its last breath
Beautiful description of that last moment before 00.00 of 01.01.2013
Tam the Chanter
Wed, 2013-01-09 10:46
time
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this - I really appreciate the encouragement. 2012 was a really bad year for Western democracy and this one doesn't look any better.
Ian
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2013-01-01 06:01
Crickey, when you get serious you get serious
Way the best NYE poem I've read.
I'd like to see more of your dark side.
cheers,
Jess
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Tam the Chanter
Thu, 2013-02-28 03:23
Happy Happy
Thanks, Jess. Must try and lighten up !
Ian
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
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