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Gone

Submitted by Aaaronc on Thu, 2017-09-07 01:51

I've been knocked down
Torn and thrown to the side
Lifes taken the most of me
Seems i'm broken and gone
Trying to find my way home
Living amongs thousands
Yet feeling so alone
The knives peircing my back
Scars of life i guess
So now all go
Back down that rabbit hole i call home

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

themoonman

Fri, 2017-09-08 05:11

themoonman's picture
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I like where you are going with
this poem, I feel it needs work to
get there but not much really ...

For one thing, I don't want to seem
picky but poets will point out grammatical
errors like;
// Lifes taken the most//
Lifes is not a word, and it isn't short for
Life has. When editing your work, try to
eliminate as many little grammar errors
as you can because poets tend to stop
reading if there are too many.
I didn't quite see the transition from
being or feeling alone, then the piercing
of knives in your back.

Like I said, I really like where you are
going with this, easy for me to relate to,
just smooth it out, make it sound good and
make sense where it needs to.

thanks for posting

weirdelf

Fri, 2017-09-08 08:23

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plus, we have all felt the same.

cheers,
Jess
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