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Going Home By Ferry

Submitted by Race_9togo on Tue, 2010-11-23 21:26

At the stern of the speeding ship
I met her where the railings swept
around the curve of rain-slick deck;
our arms slipped about each other,
and together, in growing warmth,
we fed the soaring gulls.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Another passion poem in compliment form, my third.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Race_9togo

Tue, 2010-11-23 22:19

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tugging at thine heart strings, as we?
heehee

Thanks Jayne,
I've been writing these short ones in the form devised by Jonathon, which he calls compliment (or is it complimentary?) form. I like it very much, and it forces me to pack more into less space, if you see what I mean.

Glad you like it.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Race_9togo

Sat, 2010-11-27 14:16

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Yes I stumbled on Jonathon's concept and I have been hooked since. At first I thought it reminiscent of japanese forms, but I think there's a lot more to it than that.
I have been writing a couple a week for a fortnight or so, and I find it challenging, holding to the strictures of the form, and to the content of passion poetry.
But it's real fun, lol.
Glad you enjoyed my little effirt.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

lou

Wed, 2010-11-24 20:32

lou's picture

Good poem , but in my opinion the last line doesn't make sense. Might read better if you cut out.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Race_9togo

Wed, 2010-11-24 20:49

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Well I can't cut it loose, as that would break the rules for complimentary form, which is the reason I wrote it.
This pictures a thing a past love and I often did, so I suppose it holds more meaning for me than anyone else. I think I may have to re-work this, huh.

Thanks for your help lou, much appreciated. Take another look in a bit, and see if it's better.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

scribbler

Sun, 2010-11-28 19:49

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quiet,loving familiarity all in a short new form. Johnathan , I expect, Will approve upon reading.........scribbler

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-29 01:07

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Had some help from Lou on this one, her comment made me re-write the last three lines, to make it clearer.
Yeah, I hope Jonathon enjoys it when he reads it.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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