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Going, Going, Gone.

Going
Her departing wheezing breath creates a concoction tidal wave of nervous energy,
Threatening to consume me whole on this island I call paradise.
Beeps like sirens warning the inevitable drowning flat line
Her eyes, a watered glaze, the retracting waves before-
But a simple smile attracts her attention.
Eyes motion with whatever will she has left, and I feel her smile back at me in another sense
A golden, untouched by reality sense
Her weak breaths blow final breezes in paradise

Going
What is death but a motionless sleep?
I caution making noise around her while she’s sleeping, not deeply realising that I can’t wake her now
As everyone leaves me to be, I beg her to wake up and say hi, I could give her a drink and I could say another goodbye
A bandaid to recover after the tidal wave of death
But death wouldn’t be without a definite end

Gone
They take her away into a van, to be burnt in aflame
Keeping the leftovers as a sentiment
Of someone who was in this constant form
For (undisclosed age) years of my life
With unique sentence structure, voice, accent
Emotions, change, opinion
Throwing the carnage of an expired paradise to be burned
While standing on the shores of the now bleak, baron island
The only way to be okay is to wave goodbye
To the washed away remains of paradise.

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Wrote this poem just now, almost as an emotional throw up of someone super close to me passing away. Please let me know (if or if not you've experienced this), if I'm communicating the emotional weight that comes with grieving. Thanks :)
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

got it! Yes, I have experienced this and felt much the same, with my father's passing some years ago. There was so much that I wanted to say to him, so much to talk about. We were only just beginning to get close. I went back and read your first poem here and I realized that the two poems that you have posted; tie together. Your language use is fine and while the theme is one of sadness, there is an understanding that while we feel very much alone in our grief, there are those "out there", that feel as we do. Yes, the only way to get through it, is to smile bravely and wave goodbye. Just one typo: [baron] should be [barren].
A wonderful piece of work, to smooth the rough edges of grief. ~ Geezer.
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This is very sweet, I'm glad I could resonate with you in this :)

author comment

I'm thinking that you have some sort of healthcare background. The scene in hospital was one I can remember -too many times.

You have really captured that feeling of loss. I really like the stanza leads of
GOING
GOING
GONE

I'm looking forward to reading more of your work in future!

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Loved playing with such an emotionally tugging stanza.

Thank you for your kind words, hope to be getting some pieces soon!

author comment

Deep I must say.

Bathe yourself with poetry and let the world go to pieces.

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