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Going

I forgot to nail one foot to the floor
whilst reading "On The Road" yet again
time nor distance wait the impatient tread
of distance unrolling for mere distance sake.
There is no fear, regret nor dread
as responsibilities are shed in widening wake
there is naught ahead but more and more yet more
revealing as it comes great vistas full of mayhem

As dawn blinks bright upon the dusty roads
and stunted shrubs reveal coast nearby
I nose into a space where I can see
the ocean in its constant endless greeting
a welcome rarely given just for me
for sure it's dark, dangerous, forbidding
but come on in, it offers, taunts and goads
no guarantee of safety, nor any lie.

Clothes lie strewn along the beach
the world is mine, and ours alone
no need to seek, grab, grasp or reach
I am Loki, Hermes, Puck
we are

Spoken word: https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/going-by-jess-tapper
now a Vid too!-
https://youtu.be/c5SABgmxZg8

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
If you haven't read Jack Kerouac's "On The Road" you simply must. Just that, you simply must, but don't forget to nail one foot to the floor first.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Would you consider 'as responsibilities are shed'?
You need a comma between grab and grasp, in the last stanza

I really love the beginning -lol -I'm having to nail my foot to the floor just reading your write - especially today, it's as hot as hell here and getting hotter - i don't have to pick up Kerouac at all. Apart from my opening comment, I have nothing to offer for improvement...

This needs to be read aloud in order to feel the impact
Awesomely written jess
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

and changes done.

Also a voice recording.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

even Jess's poetry has some typo like fallacies
okay falsies
Judy dares to spear
and Jess accepts
W/o a tear
but I still fear

everyone does.
What is it you fear, loved?

What did you think of the poem?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

nothing short of excellent
as always
arret =STOP!
Paris

love the way you tell the story here.

Alid

I like that "an explosion of imagery". Too much, do you think?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I thought its the most imagery in one poem that you have written unless of course I've missed out on your write which is longer than this...

Alid

From the dusty desert to the shinning shore.
Do you think we could ask for more.
Not really but we need to dodge flapping laundry
Swinging in the Oceans breeze so free

Has that man I know left the red sand behind
With it's cats and the tranquillity he'd find
To wander where two worlds meet for all time.
In unison if only we could see, there is no line.

Grand write Jess, it brings to mind the little piece I read when a child:-

I must go down to the sea again
To the lonely sea and sky
I left my pants and vest there
I wonder if they are dry..
Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

and what have you done with ian T.?
We do not change our usernames at a whim here, it is a huge pain in the arse for andrew.

Thanks for the read.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

just read your blog about the name change.
The profile Ian T. seems to be working fine from this end. Did you put in a Tech report before starting a new name?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Was sent to Australia, during the time of transportation I had problems before and Andrew said he would merge both names, the other day I just couldn't get in to join the workshop, but Sparrow kept coming up so am using that at the moment,
It's no problem, most know who it is, as I have been signing my silly bits as Sparrow in comments for some time.
Thanks Jess I can still see the comment on Ian.T so there is no worries, Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

IAN T JACK THE SPARROW AUSSIE CUM UKEEE
YUPS...
okay sir
this message was from loved /low bed ly or something ..blah blah blah
via Sadie !

you must tell me where you get your drugs.
I like to get seriously fucked up sometimes too.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I absolutely love the rhyming scheme, imagery, carefree feel, subject. This poem is really great!

Bravo! :)

Love Mand xxxx

it feels like one of my better ones.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Excellent piece, Alid nailed it. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

I appreciate the feedback.

Kind of wondering that no-one complained about the last line. It bothers me, perhaps a bit pretentious and incongruous? Frankly I was stuck for an ending. What do you think these alternatives?-
I am Loki, Hermes, Puck
or
no need to seek, grab or grasp
no need to seek or grab
no need to seek
no need

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

i like it as is
the different connotations on the three... paganism...wiccan...et al....
For me, the line expresses submission to nature and the divine
i think it is neither pretentious nor congruous.... it describes the feeling i believe you are trying to express

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

that sets my mind at ease.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

To me there is a lot of meaning in between the lines and gave me the impression of a person who wants to be carefree and ultimately finds what he is looking for.. a haven / sanctuary. after searching for it all through his life ..in the beach...

not sure if i read it right or got it all wrong...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

may I say, that even though sometimes you interpret my poems entirely differently from what i intended, you are right, my poems don't belong to me, they belong to my readers.
And I tremendously your admire your courage in giving your own interpretation.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I was going right along thinking how Jess has gotten out of his writing funk. Then there at the end you became "maiden, mother and the crone"........Kinda jolts when we all know you are a man. Perhaps you are trying to say you are everybody. If so perhaps something like
"brother, father, maiden and crone".
Could also consider vast vistas of mayhem for a bit of alliteration unless you think it might distract from an already excellent line. Just a few errant thoughts on a far above average poem.........stan

I had a lot of trouble ending this poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

and each time you do I applaud you for having a voice. You have great courage and insight.
This time you were very close! Thank you.
The reason I found it difficult ending the poem is that the subject never really finds an answer, as we never do.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

You might be over thinking it.Sometimes it just take a few more words to clarify meaning. e.g..:
Though clothes lie strewn along the beach
and the world seems mine and ours alone
still the need to seek, grasp and reach
be I brother , mother, father of crone.

I expect you can do better but there Are alternatives out there'll....stan

I will try to unthink it [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I think the ending line was OK as how can we say who is speaking, that they have been through a few things and resort to the Ocean is fine it could have been anyone.
The line wasn't forced so no problem.
Still a great write, Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

my young friend, your perceptions are developing nicely [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

This Sparrow has help from many, as to perception a natural flow of think Twix there and here, and the Children help each day.
I forgot the old gatekeeper the Monk who sits and writes he sees many things but seldom tells lol.
Are you going to see the cattery again soon??
Anyway this will do will talk later, Yours as always Ian & Children..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

but if you insist on scrubbing it for something different

instead of
'I am
we are'

what about, simply ,
'gestalt'

just a thought ...
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I might still fiddle around with the poem for a while. I really like it, perhaps the best poetry I've written for a long time. I can't please everyone, least of all me.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I agree with you, it is an awesome write and one you should be proud of :)
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I like the use of the word "nose"
something not usual
Like the mystery feel
and the assurance
in an unsteady feel..

the metaphor to nail..

a softer diffuse poem from you
and it works very well Elf

Thank You!

To nose in, is that an unusual phrase? Perhaps it is Australian or British usage.
thank you, Steven.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Wow! Jess, your words, so well crafted took me on a wondrous Journey. You hooked me in from line one, and I devoured the banquet offered through your seductive explosion of magical imagery. Reminded me of a film - Into The Wild - based on true events(aren't they all ?!?!), a film well worth watching.

Blessings and Big Love,

Lenny

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

most of my poems come out verbatim but this one was crafted and I am proud of it.
Any suggestions or corrections would be much appreciated.

If you read the comments you will see I am not entirely happy wit the ending.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Have just found "On the Road" so have sent for an audio copy to see what it is like.
I am having a load of trouble reading books at the moment and have a couple of my favourites here that have needed reading for the past year or so.
The reviews are brill so I will let you know what I think of it,
Take care young Jess, Yours as always Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

you know love and care, but not unconditionally. And you know I have a mean streak.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I think that the last few lines are an opt out of reality, you there dwell, in the land of borders with no definite line.
The Oceans beach is one such place, the cloths represent the abandonment of all the things, there they lie as if strewn there when someone leaves and just walks into the sea.
I wrote a piece about such a person not so long ago,
Bit there is another version I wrote of the New Zealand end time, where the Spirit rushes along the beach of the north Island and launches its self from a rock there out across the sea to that dream place they all talk of.
Anyway the end could be adapted, but it just needs a few words more as to reason.
That will do for this one hope you can see what I mean, Yours as always Ian.T
PS:- I shall find the New Zealand one and re stream it xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

and took your suggestion-
I am Loki, Hermes, Puck
is back in.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Re read on xmas day!
Love that line!
"nose in"
used to hear this in traffic
terms..probably when
horses and carriages
coaches were the mainstay!
Always enjoy the striking
detailing of your work!
I can see the shrubs!
And been through the deserts
and coasts to love the smell
of the ocean!
Never been there to see the
great rolling breakers

Merry Xmas Mr Elf!

Mr Wolf!

Re read on xmas day?
Je ne comprends pas.

There is nothing like the smell of the ocean to an old surfer or sailor. It is the closest thing to palpable memory.

Did I ever tell you about my most embarrassing Spoonerism with respect to that time? I was talking about the old days when I was a hippie and a surfie and said "In my old herpie siffie days".

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Is ^5 a rating, like with divers and figure skaters? I hope it's not out of 10 or 100.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

What else would ^5 mean?
Thanks again.

I once bought a sledgehammer on impulse. It was a 4 pounder all in gloss black from head to handle. I called it Darth Mjolnir, of course.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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