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GODDESS FLAME

I could Swim in your Eyes Forever.
You've Melted my Heart <3

I could Play in your Smile Forever.
You've Grasped my Univerze.

Rique Wolf

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

This is short and sweet, but it seems to need more. I cannot imagine writing or saying this to my significant other and just leaving it like that!
I don't care for the ice-cream cone at the end of the second line, it seems to cheapen what should be a beautiful statement.
I'm not sure if the spelling of universe is a misspelling or a private joke between you. I do see a lot of potential in this and hope that you will consider the criticisms that I've made when you edit or rework this piece. ~ Geezer.
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It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I'm sure there is nothing I can write to help you improve your work, but I will offer that if you would like to impress the regulars that write here, you will need to stop reading instagram poetry and buying into the idea that popular = good.

You seem to have a passion, but as the others already wrote here, this piece is at best, a beginner's piece. I think you can do better!
Welcome to Neopoet

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

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