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The glance

Submitted by Emina Smajevic on Tue, 2014-03-04 17:27

I can't remember
the shape of your eyes
but the glance I still do
as beautiful as invisible
as calm as afraid

Because here
in the mountain
darkness is draping me with fear

And I feel that someone is walking behind me

If I turn back
I extinguish myself
I cease

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Roscoe Lane

Wed, 2014-03-05 18:02

I believe,

I believe the first verse is perfect, and could stand on its own. The second verse is also powerful, but i think the ending could be ( If i turn to you, I extinguish, I cease. ) But please these are only suggestions, this is a lovely poem as it is. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Emina Smajevic

Thu, 2014-03-06 13:12

Roscoe

I like your suggestions but it's a bit late for any change here
it's already published
'If I turn to you' sounds great
but never mind
glad you like it

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2014-03-21 17:34

Emina, you have already published this

why did you choose the option
Editing stage:
Editing - rough draft
?
You know you can edit the poem on Neopoet, that is what we are here for.
It is why we are here.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

raj

Thu, 2014-03-06 14:01