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In The Giving

Submitted by zebra on Mon, 2018-10-15 16:14

eyes bright

legs open

grace in submission

grateful

an exquisite intrusion

ooow love hurts

blood gush

pain for pleasure's sake

a yielding exorcism of shuddering curves

haunches poised to welcome

that which is taken in the giving

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Tue, 2018-10-16 15:04

Eumolpus's picture

what it may feel like to a girl/woman losing her virginity. A lot different for us guys!
The poem has a unique way of capturing that moment from a willing partner.
Very hard to do!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

zebra

Wed, 2018-10-17 06:00

zebra's picture

wow great name Eumolpus and your comment very appreciated...I guess in this piece I don't let on leaving things a bit ambiguous but what I'm actually describing are the emotional and psychological states that frame dark eroticism of sadomasochism or as the song goes "some of them want to use you some of them want to be used by you" This is the theme of much of my writing. In other words the primal will of desire unimpeded by convention and the veil of ego

author comment

Eumolpus

Wed, 2018-10-17 18:25

Eumolpus's picture

Thanks, the pen name is the poet in the Satyricon of Petronius, the first real novel in the time of Nero.
The story in what is left of the 12 volumes is about 2 students and their sexual encounters in the Roman Empire. Best translation by Oscar Wilde.

I wonder if you would show this to a live poetry workshop would be the response, how would other poets interpret this. How did I so miss your intent? I think I saw the blood and the pain for pleasure's sake as the sacrifice a woman does in the act of giving love, especially a young woman wanting to experience lovemaking, which is so natural. The poem put me back to the High School affair I had in which we were both virgins...
Perhaps if you suggested just one other prop, without being obvious or cliche, to lead me to the eccentric pleasure of S&M, a la Fifty Shades of Grey .. maybe a quote from the Marquise de Sade?
curious about the other comments.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

zebra

Thu, 2018-10-18 08:27

zebra's picture

I would show this and have at times suffered being attacked vehemently
Its my sense of things that people are hard wired to keep secrets from themselves, poets or not and poets or not they want to think they are good people, and there I am telling them they are devils by exposing my self as one when many would like to punch in the mouth like a self righteous senator for telling them they want to fuck their neighbors wife in the butt and turn her into their honey bitch bound etc. etc. etc

out came rope
and string we found
white gauze wrapping
honey bitch bound.

Which goes to your next point which is not all my work is so subtle as to tuck away obfuscations but I have been corrupted by those who were put off by my dark meanderings Having said that I would ask you why "blood and the pain for pleasure's sake" did not alert you, or why you chose to attribute it to virginity or a kind of tempered sacrifice in stead of a wild bloody even onerous glitter fuck?
In 1492 when the 3 Spanish ships the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria arrived on the shores of the Americas did the natives think hmmm 3 ships in the harbor or was it so weird that their brains simply couldn't register the phenomena, The point is perhaps in your current lexicon of ideas S & M was to far out on the margins to follow Its hard to claim things off in the distance metaphorically speaking
On the other hand I think you have it partially right as I am caught like a dear in the headlights between the merely suggestive or ambiguous and the graphically direct

shake that pretty ass
tits all over the place
i'm crying for it baby
put them in my face

I very much appreciate your comments and thankyou for taking the time to read my work ;)

PS loved Fellini's Satyricon

author comment

Eumolpus

Thu, 2018-10-18 15:07

Eumolpus's picture

I suppose I have a naivety about it.
I recently learned how Columbus fooled the natives who were resisting giving him the supplies he needed for the trip home. Having an astronomer aboard, he knew a lunar eclipse was coming in two nights and told the natives his god would make the moon disappear if they didn't help him. Well it worked. Somethings are just out of the margins for some people...and I'm sure I fit there too with certain subjects.

Yes that Fellini movie blew me away, I can never look at a fresco the same way.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

zebra

Thu, 2018-10-18 15:44

zebra's picture

Strangely I came to poetry through an interactive shock site at 69 yrs that was oriented towards fetishy paraphiliac fantasies ,,,what's in a number ?? and discovered my repressed self
My love of language gave this theme voice and at times turned me into a bit of a scourge, I suppose
As you may know de Sade even while a celebrated Parisian literary figure wanted desperately to be forgotten for his sexual criminality I guess he was trying to forget himself and as I understand it didn't even want his grave marked

I'm new here and hope to post often aspiring to interact with others I admire such as your self and while hopefully taken seriously as a writer, not taken seriously as menace but a perhaps a curiosity for writing about the taboo, sometimes very graphically.

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2018-10-17 20:17

Geezer's picture
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that there is a whole lot of difference in a woman giving up her virginity and accepting that a bit of pain is worth the eventual pleasure. Maybe just the intensity? Anyhow, great work! Love it! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

zebra

Thu, 2018-10-18 16:00

zebra's picture

In the fetishy world the woman who are the players have a deep need for this as the men do
It is about a heightened sensuality and psychological impulse to control or to be controlled
a kind of erotic feral lucidity
as pain is pleasure promised and is a distortion of normalcy or just an altered reality

author comment
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