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The Gist of our Aftermath

~

I'm missing most my denticals
she still loves me so;

there's a hitch in my ventricle
I don't let that show;

I've laughed with her and started to cry
we've even cried at the end of a laugh,

everything else is nonsensical when you view the photograph,
and get the gist of our aftermath.

~

At times I'll get an attitude
she still loves me, so;

I'll get higher than my latitude
I don't let her know;

I've laughed with her 'til I started to cry
we've both cried at the end of a laugh,

everything seems nonsensical when you're in the photograph,
I get the gist of our aftermath.

~

I forget sometimes in the afterday
she still loves me so,

I'd die without her anyway
she already knows.

We've laughed so hard we both had to cry
we've cried at an end to a laugh,

it's just plain nonsensical when you own that photograph,
and know the gist of our aftermath

~

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 

Comments

It's not a bad poem, but runs too long with the double spacing.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

...you know, I positively would've changed that little "miscue", when I printed it out for the first time. Just got another printer, today! (My old one was barren. It had no more "prints"-{prince}.)Lol!
Thanx, again;
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

The subtle changes that rang through this piece were good, Elf said about the spacing when you have time we may see if it changes things, I felt a good write all the same, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

and loving it, a sincerely beautiful poem, mate, full of love and tenderness. Effective use of repetition with variations, some may think it overdone but not me. One line needs to be looked at
we've cried at an end to a laugh,
this variation doesn't add to the depth and meaning as the others do, and it is not very clear, maybe you could have a think on it?

I think it could use even more physical compression, as below, and lose those bloody decorative cedillas please! Are you writing poetry or decorating a cake?

I'm missing most my denticals
she still loves me so;
there's a hitch in my ventricle
I don't let that show;
I've laughed with her and started to cry
we've even cried at the end of a laugh,
everything else is nonsensical when you view the photograph,
and get the gist of our aftermath.

At times I'll get an attitude
she still loves me, so;
I'll get higher than my latitude
I don't let her know;
I've laughed with her 'til I started to cry [this needs more variation too]
we've both cried at the end of a laugh,
everything seems nonsensical when you're in the photograph,
I get the gist of our aftermath.

I forget sometimes in the afterday
she still loves me so,
I'd die without her anyway
she already knows.
We've laughed so hard we both had to cry
we've cried at an end to a laugh, [?]
it's just plain nonsensical when you own that photograph,
and know the gist of our aftermath

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

...I WILL work on this one! Actually, I didn't know exactly where I was going, here....so, it may take a minute...ya know?
Thanx,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

I think this piece is worth the time and effort to craft and fine tune.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

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