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The Garden

I lit upon these words, when
words would come no more

the glowing ridge of mountains
the birds that flit and soar
everything is growing, to

an encompassed charming calm
the strangeness of the garden
the stillness can't disarm

a leaning spade, clean of sod
awaiting things to dig
the earth, unmoving, something

is wrong with this picture, it is
smashed by the banality and the observance
of domestic bliss, until

a surge of wind, renders
a percussive flourish over the garden pool
it's tight surface rippled in gridlines

otherwise it slinks and slops
in intricately threaded webs,
through rocks

just then, my pen drops, I lift,
and realise I must walk,
and write on water.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Things change in the garden, sometimes you have to move on to a different subject matter. I wrote this, looking at the ridge line of a hill from a garden that I knew I would be leaving forever. The realisation struck that worlds and words can take a sudden turn, and that is something I can control, and also that taking a risk, and looking for a real environment to flourish in, is a good thing. I know my writing is in a little bit of transition at the moment, but stick with me, if you happen to follow me, it is going to change for the better. The practice is the thing.
Editing stage: 

Comments

is supposed to be a good one, normally, but I always find it so stressful. Change is inevitable, so it does make us feel hopeless very often. I think that's why even positive change can frighten people or they can be resistant to it. The image of writing on water captures that perfectly.

I had a little trouble getting used to the pace with the enjambment and commas, but it really works as long as the reader is willing to slow down and read carefully, which I think is important for all poetry.

An apt quote: "If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden." - The Secret Garden

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment.

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I am experimenting a little, taking some advice from Eumo below actually! I had a major change in life direction, and there was a "significant emotional event" I guess, something that came out of left-field. As Ted Hughes (paraphrasing) suggested, trying to surprise myself with my own language. I am finding my metrical feet, in a different way.

Thanks.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

and the discipline to remain on point is critical in our work. The craft of wordsmanship is surely here.
I think there are some awesome images here. The last stanza is great, the image of writing on the water is really well done. The on/off rhymes are interesting, interesting to mix free verse with it.
Reading down:
I have some concerns about the opener "I lit" ..what did you mean by that?
The poem reads well for the next few stanza's, nice word sound and and but then introduces this

.. wrong with this picture, it is
smashed by the banality and the observance
of domestic bliss, until

That came out of left field, as we say here. I think this is a very broad based statement which i cannot connect to the garden, that the picture is smashed by the banality of domestic biiss is so strong an image i need too much outside the poem to comprehend it. How is bliss banal? Also doesn't work with the meter and pace of the poem.

followed by
it's tight surface rippled in gridlines

otherwise it slinks and slops
in intricately threaded webs,
through rocks

I then get the feeling you are viewing the pool which is covered by ..a pool cover? I've had a pool and outdoor Jacuzzi with a garden behind it.. how it slinks and slops, the threaded webs..

The last stanza stands out as pure poetry. I know what it means but I cannot explain how.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Just, as mentioned above, finding my feet again. Words imitating life. The triggers for creation are slowly coming in again, but getting there, so thanks for the encouragement..:)

Lit upon, just a turn of phrase, maybe used more on the other side of the pond, in Cambridge dictionaries here, just literally, finding something suddenly, in this case to explain something you had been looking at for an awful long time, not expecting anything to change:
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/lit+upon

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/light-on-upon-sth

I am commenting, reading and learning again. i think we all get to a point, where we stop and re-evaluate. This one may well be revised! Hopefully.

Thanks and take care.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

of water..will do that, if you watch them, when the wind hits from a certain angle, all becomes an elegant pattern of grid-lines. In this case, it was a dam (or very large pond) for cattle in a paddock on the farm where we used to live.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment
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