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A Gamblin' Man Meets The Devil...

Blue-white lightning across a midnight sky
tearing a hole in the heavens
The rain comes down in silvery sheets
and the bones roll lucky sevens

The Devil loves a loser, ya know
he takes everything you've got
So bet the pile on every throw
get it while the die are hot

Take the money and run, dear boy
Play those cards and bluff
It don't matter that you're doin' great
don't be thinkin' that you are tough

The Devil decides house-rules ya see
and the card up his sleeve is cool
and just between you and me
he really loves to play the fool

Money, revenge or satisfaction
It's all the same to him
He's got the power to grant your wish
fill your cup up to the brim

All it takes to get your wish
is to sign with blood on the line
but don't forget, you'll break a sweat
when he says; "Your soul is mine!"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

One suggestion

“The Devil decides house-rules ya see
and the card up his sleeve is cool
and just between you and me
he really loves to play the fool”

Or

“The Devil decides house-rules ya see
and the card up his sleeve is cool
and just between you and me
he loves to make you the play fool”

Otherwise it’s pretty freaking squeaky clean. Nice and tight with a little breathing room. Feels great. Nice work.

Tim

thank you, much appreciated. Glad you enjoyed it, My muse grabbed this one and ran like a 6lb. bass! I had a completely different direction for this one at the start. She just said; "Oh no, this one's mine!" Gotta love when she does that! She thanks you for the read and fix. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Here’s a secret that works for me. I always let that happen. Or I’m lucky and it just does. Either way if you stop trying to make stuff happen, other stuff will happen. So you didn’t write about the intended subject but what you wrote is good because it was naturally inspired. Then you’re practicing to write well instead of forcing things. With time you get so much practice writing decent stuff about the wrong subject, that you find your tool box now allows you to write more on demand or specific subject matter. Writer’s advice.

Totally free
Excellent job again

She will appreciate that! [that is her name, [She], She sometimes goes by an alias, "Her". I never have a choice when She decides to take the reins. Some of my [Her] best work is like that. Actually, I don't think that [She's] ever had a clunker. I learned a long time ago to let her do her thing, and not interfere. However, you don't get much for free these days, so even though it's a moot-point, it's appreciated. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

I really love your muse! and these lines:

Blue-white lightning across a midnight sky
tearing a hole in the heavens
The rain comes down in slivery sheets
and the bones roll lucky sevens

(is slivery a word?)

and:
All it takes to get your wish
is to sign with blood on the line
but don't forget, you'll break a sweat
when he says; "Your soul is mine!"

your delivery is smooth as a baby's butt, lol! I don't know much about gamblers and their trade. but I knew a girl who was incredibly addicted... she stole from everyone she knew, except me. I knew her remotely through her mother.

your poem is educational and entertaining. I enjoyed it!
*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thanks for catching that one! I'm surprised that no one else caught it, especially me. I meant [silvery]. I guess that when you are expecting the word silvery and it gets writen slivery, they look so much alike, that most people don't notice! Nice catch!
Glad you liked this one, I guess if I had to pick my favorite lines, they would be the ones you picked. Thanks again! ~ Geez..

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

When dh'a reaper come a
knockin on ma’h door
tell him a'h gone to bogator,

if he want ma’h ass,
he'll have to wait,
a'h goda liddle more life
to satiate,

A’h sold ma’h soul
to be-el-zebub
for a cute liddle ass
an' a tummy rub,

So a'h guess ah’ll be
a headin d udder way
an' widda old nicks whores
ah'ma gonna play,

Now be-el-zebub said to me dat time
" sign dis boy your ass be mine, !!"
a’h know dis now, a’hn a’h knew dat den,
he purloined ma’h soul whidda fountain pen,

so lawd oh lawd please hear m'ah plea
take pity m'ah lawd on poor auld me,
deliver m'ah soul to da' place above
n tell be-el-zebub dat' he can shove !

Yeah well,,, as you say,,,,,,,,,, Sorry, couldn't resist. Geez.

Obi.

I love our little go-'rounds with our rhymes and ditties
And you know, when I go, I'll be petting ole Devil's kittys.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Pretty sure I sold my soul years ago and have continued to dance with him since. Good write as always!

~RoseBlack~

between selling your soul and getting cheated!. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Your muse is a crafty one and I so enjoy what they write.

~RoseBlack~

I really enjoyed this piece! The way way you conveyed your message is quite educational! I will never loose what I gained here. It turned my mind, imagination and understanding.

My lessons here:

Money, revenge or satisfaction
It's all the same to him
He's got the power to grant your wish
fill your cup up to the brim

All it takes to get your wish
is to sign with blood on the line
but don't forget, you'll break a sweat
when he says; "Your soul is mine!"

In stanza 3 line 3 should it be:
It don't matter that you're doin' great or
It doesn't matter that you're doin' great?

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

thinking about that line. Thanks for the suggestion. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

That was the line that got me paused and repeated.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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