Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Fumes Of Emptiness

Submitted by brittle light on Mon, 2012-09-24 04:25

I don't have much to say
worthwhile, I mean
that doesn't seem to stop
most people
or even slow them down.
but me,
I feel a need to be PROFOUND
can't quite figure it
I don't even like profundity
'cause mostly
it ain't,
is it?
more likely, just some
plain ol' jane pretentiousness
...parading in drag

maybe a lack of style
is what I actually meant to write about
but now I'm confused
so,
I'll stop here
and try to sort it out

...uh,
hmm,...
...duh,
wha,....

(this dunce in a corner bit goes on and on
for hours)

okay,
I'm back from the rack
still stuck,
but tired of tilting
at dead stumpy ends

ironically
(though certainly unintended)
I feel obliged to dub this piece
a perfectly executed flummox

so,
( if you haven't guessed by now)
I am once again
left stranded
with my standard
"what the fuck was that"
ending

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Seren

Thu, 2012-09-27 07:50

Seren's picture

I believe the words are there just out of reach .... I feel another story under the surface

I rather liked where you took me it needs a little work but I like the ending as is

'cause mostly
it ain't,
is it?
I would change the exclamation mark for a question mark ... but thats just me its just a suggestion

kind regards Jc

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

brittle light

Fri, 2012-09-28 20:00

brittle light's picture

glad to hear from you again!

I don't worry too much anymore about down time (reaching for words, themes, poetics etc.)
I sometimes even enjoy working on things when I have nothing going on at all.
the journey, you know!

thanks for your thoughts and suggestions

I enjoyed your last post. I'll try to get back to it soon, to officially applaud.

Al

author comment

judyanne

Thu, 2012-09-27 07:54

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

a very enjoyable read al
i especially like
'more likely, just some
plain ol' jane pretentiousness
...parading in drag'

and i love the finish
i'd suggest you change nothing - except maybe the exclamation mark to a question mark as jc has already pointed out

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

brittle light

Fri, 2012-09-28 20:09

brittle light's picture

thanks Judy, really!

I am always flattered when you take the time to crit (not sure I like that word "crit", but it seems to be the fashion, so...why fight it)

I am still reticent to critique others works, but I'm not going to let it stress me anymore. I will get better at it or not . please bear with me

thanks again

Al

author comment

brittle light

Fri, 2012-09-28 20:30

brittle light's picture

thank you. That others enjoy some of the same aspects of writing and editing is cool to know.

the roughness is apparent to me, ( Oh!, the dilema of form)...kind of like singing about someone who sings out of tune...what do you do to make that point ...sing out of tune, or not. That IS the question.

it will remain unresolved for now...But I am not afraid to make a choice when it arises. This piece will probably stay "rough"

thanks again

Al

author comment

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-09-28 04:19

Ian.T's picture
Volunteer badge

Grand write, now take that silly witches hat off, and come out to play, there are so many words out there for you to string together for us to read.
Take a pad and Pen go and sit on the naughty step.
We wait for your next write, Yours Ian.T He He..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

brittle light

Fri, 2012-09-28 20:35

brittle light's picture

please don't hit me. I'll be good. I promise. (now, all I have to do is figure out what "good "means)

Al

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-09-29 06:59

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

answered all the questions raised in this one.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.