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Full Metal Limerick

I met a young GI in a bar
why do they hate us so far?
I held back no hate
he gagged on my bait
the whole world is your weeping scar.

I could be torn apart by a wild boar
or dissected by a jealous whore
but cancer will not get a chance
I will not play that sickly dance
A gun will splatter the deadly gore.

My entire life is full of strife
the violence is unbearably rife
the scent of the blood
has become a flood
more than a gun or a knife.

There was an old atheist poet
who knew death and much about it
he knew not the end
be it foe or a friend
his life was in order to show it

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Thanks for posting these examples.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hope you are not still mad of me :)

I think I have started to get the rhythm of these limericks.
I thought the content here is so humane and touching in many levels, however when I read loud I stumbled mostly in the second stanza.
the first works perfectly when read aloud.
Many thanks for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

and worst, judged and under-estimated. All is forgiven
.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

like it!

lol – do i dare?
I met a young GI in a bar .... i met a GI in a bar? - ‘young’ makes the verse too long to my ear

the whole world is your weeping scar... the whole world's your weeping scar...

I could be torn apart by a wild boar ... I could be torn apart by boar
or dissected by a jealous whore... dissected by a jealous whore
but cancer will not get a chance
I will not play that sickly dance
A gun will splatter the deadly gore... A gun will splay the deadly gore
- but is this not a quatrain, rather than a limerick?

who knew death and much about it ... to my ear there’s a syllable missing between ‘and’ and ‘much’ ..

i like the first and last ones
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

that's precisely the feedback I was looking or. And quite correct.

That's why I haven't awarded the prize yet.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

what prize?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

sorry - didn't notice this was a workshop... too late to join?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

just waiting on me to decide amongst the non-voters, which I am loathe to do.
The prize is a glam-rock t-shirt (with nipples) previously worn by me (freshly worn or washed, winners choice)

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I hereby have to be withdrawn
From serious limericks prize unworn
As my trouble and strife
Would take my life
If that T shirt I was to adorn

J Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

old chum of mine had cancer..hardrock railroader on the bush edge
had it terminal...no way he was going out like that
leaned over a barrel with a stick of dynamite
they found his railroad watch on the road of all places
it could have just went anywhere
just down from his place a spell
He went out with a bang...the way he wanted it
he was a a chum of mine
Ich hatt meinen kammeraden

grind it out to our ends I say

loud...i wear the seventies dress
shirts cranked open
with some kind of trinket on a chain
or string...masculines love it
we compare...
and the ladies come up close
hand on chest and move their
fingers on the treasures
had one that liked my nipples

In winter i wear t shirts
SAN DIEGO and or the Pirate
Skull shirts...the dress shirts
there were some ladies who
would do up the buttons
chide me...or the me would
adjust the collars like a team
heading out street or patrol
checking your pack

winter out here i run with jacket
open...chest out clunking along
saturday night fever walk

the glamor times come and
gone but there are those still
love to see it..shaking their
heads but they smile
wanna be a part of it

excellent limerick
stalwart and smart
i love shocking my crowds
here

the humor is not gone
although socially its fading

excellent Poem
Jess

Mr Steven!

Very well thought and crafted.

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