Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Frustrated Philosophy

Submitted by Search on Mon, 2012-01-23 03:46

Night has come
The city gives birth to light
I keep quiet
Just stay quiet
Listen to the pavement
It calls
The lights call
Just keep quiet
Stay quiet
Listen to the sound
The sidewalk beckons
Night has come.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
It is as it is.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

lou

Mon, 2012-01-23 04:35

lou's picture

I enjoyed the theme of this poem, as i'm always drawn to a dark poem, but i feel there are too many repeations of the word, quiet, it is used 4 times, i think if you could find another word for quiet, it would improve the poem.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Search

Mon, 2012-01-23 19:58

Search's picture

Hey lou, thanks for reading my poem. I am aware that the word "quiet" is used to much, I did that intentionally. My plan was to beat the word into the head of the reader. I want the readers to understand how Something like a city can be oblivious to silence of a person; and what can be accomplished in the dead of silence. Thanks for reading, I very much appreciate it when people comment.

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-01-23 09:41

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

Check the word 'flaneur'
Charles Baudelaire developed a derived meaning of flâneur—that of "a person who walks the city in order to experience it"

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-01-23 11:58

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

I liked your poem a lot, as I'm always drawn to the dark side. But I'm with Lou on the word "quiet" it is repetitious and distracting. Try a few of these for replacements for the word quiet:

silent, noiseless, inaudible, low, soft, discreet, unobtrusive, soundless

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.