Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Friendship

When sun rays and rain drops get together,
They form an iridescent rainbow with beautiful weather
When bees and flowers come together,
Forms a sweet honey forever.
When a river and a sea get together,
Forms an ocean forever.
When YOU and ME get together
Forms a FRIENDSHIP unbroken forever.

Editing stage: 

Comments

I love the premise of your poem, "Friendship." the lines all build up nicely to the conclusion.
Omly one suggestion: replace one of the "beautiful" with another descriptive word. Otherwise, you have a lovely poem!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

thank you :) will make the necessary corrections cat

author comment

Hi
May I offer a suggestion
replace the entire 2nd line with
something on this order

They form an iridescent rainbow with beautiful weather
that incorporates Cat's suggestion plus

how about this
when bees and flowers come together(eliminating the repetition)

throughout you speak of two objects coming together
would it not follow that instead of forms they form would be more appropriate

or you might like to use forming instead of form

you and I please

we form(?) perhaps better

I know I just tore apart your poem but you have the basic ideas for getting your thoughts to paper
I merely suggest so changes are not mandatory
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Thanks for stopping by and reading my poem.. your suggestions have been taken :) will work on it.

author comment

i suggest making it longer; i think it would be interesting to see what else you could use. otherwise, great!

Thank you :) your suggestion too is been taken will probably try to extend it :)

author comment

I have few crits

When sun rays and rain drops get together,
They form an iridescent rainbow with beautiful weather [NEVER use the word beautiful in a poem, there is always a better way to say it]
When bees and flowers come together, [this is a cliched image, perhaps not so in your culture, but in Western culture it is a euphemism for early childhood sex education]
Forms a sweet honey forever.
When a river and a sea get together,
Forms an ocean forever. [perhaps instead]
They form an ocean forever.
When YOU and ME get together
Forms a FRIENDSHIP unbroken forever.

It is never a good idea to use CAPS, your words are enough in themselves.

You know when I give criticism I am only trying to help you say what you want to say better, not insult you, ok?

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Hi Jess,

Thank you for the crit will take care when am writing next time.. :)

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.