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Forever in love
She came as fast as she left
Shocking to the eyes and warm to the soul
Forever in love
The warm sea crashed upon harsh stone
The incoming bitter salt to the eyes
Burned with shimmering beauty
Evaporated to the sky with all else which remained
Alone yet thy image forever engraved in stone.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words:
I had just spent the entire night out pursuing this girl who I thought I had a genuine connection with...until she casually said she had a boyfriend... Night over, yet her image will forever remain :/
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Ray Whitaker
Sat, 2021-12-11 11:45
Another welcome to this site!
While I like this, I didn't get the chase from it.
Perhaps add more from the lively night you mention? Would give me [perhaps others as well] a better depth on the experience...
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Obadiah Grey
Sat, 2021-12-11 14:05
Hiya, B,D.
Hiya, B,D.
She came as fast as she left,
Shocking to the eyes
and warm to the soul.
Evaporated to the sky
forever engraved in stone.
---------------------------------------------
Those are the poetic phrases that I found most engaging,
though, they alone don't make a poem,
they are well worth fleshing out.
Cheers, Obi.
Geezer
Wed, 2022-03-16 20:52
Unless...
you are speaking of an orgasm; I would say that "She left as fast as she came." I was a bit confused about what you were trying to say, when I saw that "She came as fast as she left." What evaporated to the sky? [With all that remained]. If it evaporated to the sky, with what remained, then how is it still with what remained? ~ Geezer.
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