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Forever

A beauteous fenestration
reflected the dawn,
a thousand shards of colour
held a moments awe

the stars danced
to a last riff
in heaven,
and the Great Orb
laid down to sleep,
yet none or all
of this wonder,
couldnt muffle
my screeching heart

you wavered,
T'ween the dark
and the spark,
but closing your eyes
you raced onto the
next great adventure,
leaving a scatter
of broken hearts.

all the four corners
sobbed to silence,
whispered memories, shared,
were clutched close,
as gorgeous, echoes of you

softly,
softly,
as you bent to the morn
and our grieving spent,
we pondered
your spectacular life

thankful
grateful
and loving,
your essence
runs deep
in our veins

today we miss tomorrow,
though in memory
we have forever to meet.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
its been a long time :) be gentle lol
Editing stage: 

Comments

A beaut of a write with many things to think about Forever where time is nothing and the bending of days reaches out to bring everyone together.
The scattering of light within the shards of a crystal can only mesmerise the watcher.
A heaven to take part in the energy of all things as they wax and wane in eternity.
Loved it will await your next write hope you understand the above comments.
Yours as always Da, xxxx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I know exactly what you mean big big smile. And so very happy you liked it. I was feeling a little unsure wasnt sure if i did the job thank you for reading and commenting.

Love always Jaughter xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

this is spectacular, even if the word spectacular is inappropriate to the emotions. There is such elegance of expression, unusual and effective word choices and you have found the balance of mood and feeling without ever teetering into sentiment. Fuck it's good to see you and read you Jayne, I hope you'll stick around.
These are some of my favourite lines, it won't surprise you that they appeal to a weirdelf so much.

A beautious fenestration [sic- beauteous]

yet none or all
of this wonder,
couldnt muffle [could]
my screeching heart

you wavered,
T'ween the dark
and the spark,

whispered memories, shared,
were clutched close,
as gorgeous, echoes of you

today we miss tomorrow,
though in memory
we have forever to meet.

I just had to do a reading-
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/forever-by-jayne-serendipity-eggins
May I post it to our Neopoet Facebook page?

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

So happy you liked it. The muse has been haunting my steps the last week so I gave in to her. I wanted to find a good balance between the emotion and not have it dissolve into sentimentality. 104 was an awesome run so it's still a sad time yet she lived her life to it's absolute limit. Your most welcome to post to FB. I'll be round when time and health permits xxx

Cheers J xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

I am very glad you liked it. First poem I've posted for quite some time.
Your comment made me smile because Dorothy was a special woman not only my aunt but she introduced me to music. Opera etc. Without her hand in it i may have never sung. I wanted it to have a special feel because she was an extraordinary woman. 104 !! Looked after herself at home till she was 102.

Thank you for saying that made my night

Sincerely J xxx :)

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

reading your loveliest deep poetry
fenestration
has been included thanks send more kindly to me you may PM me

Thank you Loved...

I'll add more in the coming days I have a few not on your list !!

Sincerely J x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

I want to finalise my 100 actually poetrickally used words
not theory
will await this week
thanks

work, but so beauteous. Sometimes we forget that the ones we love are mortal, because they are such a strong and constant presence in our lives. I love the last lines:

"Today, we miss tomorrow,
though in memory,
we have forever to meet

If there is a heaven, you will surely meet her there, for there is no other place for people who love so magnificently! ~ Gee.
.

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Thanks so much for the read and comment.

Honestly blown away everyone liked it. Wasn't sure of it.

Talk to you soon

Love and higgliest bugs xxx sis

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

You sure returned with a blast. This is so good even my tin ear instants it. I can just hope when my time comes to rejoin those I've not seen for years that something this good will be written about the old southern chicken scratcher..........And I don't usually even like the vertical form of this poem but the emotional content over comes that easily.........stan

Sad, human nature is temporal.
nice one.

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

Wow, this bought tears to my eyes. Having lost my dad not long ago.
Your words have been able to stretch over my experience perfectly.
Although instead of a dawn, I had a rainbow... Thank you. Brilliant.....

A beauteous fenestration
reflected the dawn,
a thousand shards of colour
held a moments awe

Thank you for this great poem it is inspiring.

Pithily nice. Although I think it almost became dreamy.

that hasn't already been said better than I could say it.

So happy to be reading from you.

Be well,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

a very honest tribute to someone, coming from the heart. A very moving work.

A few minor issues I do not like "fenestration", an architectural term, and difficult to say after "beauteous" , and is the only words I think are bit contrived in the poem.

Also in the stanza

yet none or all
of this wonder,
couldnt muffle
my screeching heart

I think "couldn't" creates a double negative and so becomes confusing...try "could". The sudden introduction of the powerful heart image is very effective.

I like the last stanza but have a problem with the word "miss" - does "miss" mean we regret not having ( a tomorrow) or we miss like a missed target or not achieving something like a goal (..not sure which it means and I think that it's important to tie it all together...so i tried this:

today we lose tomorrow,
though in memory
we have forever to meet.

Just my two cents. But the poem is worth a hundred.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I've known her since her "roses are red" days, she has demonstrated the most astounding growth of just about anyone on Neopoet.
I strongly suspect that 'fenestration' was an ironic counterpoint to the more commonly used 'defenestration'.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

Thanks everyone for your ideas and suggestions I'll get to this over the long weekend. I'm Down with kidney infections, so sorry I haven't been able to get back before now.

Thanks again for the wonderful welcome back I have missed you guys, heaps.

Love J xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Hi jayne,
An amazing poem of a life lived to the max! Sadness and joy and celebration. Love it.
Joan
Ps. Hope youre feeling better

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