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FLOWER BED

Submitted by scribbler on Fri, 2012-01-27 10:49

I first came here in middle fall
a hidden place in the dark pines
when hunter's instinct came to call
and led me 'mongst the wild and vines

Along a road near disappeared
shoulders slumped and crown eroded
and homeplace where old shade trees reared
tall but of leaves then unloaded

The home and barn both fallen down
with piers and chimney slowly crumbling
miles and miles from nearest town
or highway's distant diesel's rumbling

And near one pier an iron bed frame
slowly settling to the ground
the red of rust and earth the same
wild grass and weeds grew all around

But near and in this metal bed
dwelt blues and yellows of the fall
blooming thickly there instead
asters,frost flowers and all

Now I stand in winter's cold
flowers mere husks of memories
gone are colors bright and bold
as standing puddles start to freeze

You'd think my mind would roam toward spring
when new life replaces that long dead
but I dream of when autumn will bring
back pastels to this flower bed

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Fri, 2012-01-27 11:04

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The title "Flower Bed" is okay, but I don't think it is descriptive enough. Maybe something like: Hidden Garden or Sleeping Garden or Dream Garden of Fancy's Grotto, etc.

I cannot fault your imagery or language useage. Always eloquent and simply pleasing. Ny favorite lines, although hard to choose:

I first came here in middle fall
a hidden place in the dark pines
when hunter's instinct came to call
and led me 'mongst the wild and vines

Love the rhyming pattern.

always, Cat

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scribbler

Fri, 2012-01-27 11:09

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Hopefully the workshop I'm helping with on titles will improve my titling lol. Thank you for the time to read and leave comment..........stan

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Ian.T

Fri, 2012-01-27 11:29

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This reminds me of a place I once saw where all that was left was a broken near white fence, around a few crosses sticking out of the ground. I never want to be left in such a place even though the bush was beautiful it was lonely.
The transition from Stanza 5 to the Winter threw me a little not sure if you need to be in one season properly, just a passing thought ???
Take care out there,Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

scribbler

Fri, 2012-01-27 11:34

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Poem starts with I first came here in middle fall. I thought that set the scene as being in the past, but I'll put on my thinking cap(which is pretty small lol) and stew on it a while. Thanks for dropping in with your input.......stan

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Esker

Fri, 2012-01-27 12:15

Esker's picture

I used to crawl through ruins as a child
and then adult
and in construction jobs where we put in
cables and poles we even had a tour of
the infamous Muskoka BIGWIN INN
(worth checking online!!)
FLOWER BED is the perfect title for this
because it keeps ones focus on that
we all remember flower beds We either
helped parents put one in or watered the
flowers as chores..Part of the sentimental
value of beauty in times of hardships
for many..and in ruins there are the old
perennials that arise time and time again
tended now by Gods hand

I enjoyed the whole poem and for me
the title makes this

Thank You

scribbler

Fri, 2012-01-27 12:39

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This is not the 1st time a title of mine has been declared inadequet for the poem. I'm pleased you think the title works. I Do have a tendency toward short titles as I put most of the effort into the poem and also want the title to be easily remembered on the off chance somebody wants to recall it. Thans for dropping by......stan

author comment

Esker

Fri, 2012-01-27 12:59

Esker's picture

Scribbler.. dont change flower bed.

my father whom loved history
and lived it (See Algonguin Park Station Ont Canada)
he took photos 1955! was tourist attraction in
Ontario Canada in the twenties)
and I stood on station outline in mid 1990's

When he told me of his childhood freinds and families
about our SCOTIA JUNCTION ONTARIO CANADA home
I went looking and found the fallen in structures
and was always suprised at the old tires where they
laid flat and put in a garden
the perennials whom were blossoming in the spring
before mosquitoes

believe me FLOWER BED is succinct in title
one of the reasons I clicked on it
just took me back to the effort
watering planting the togetherness
intimacy of my mother and us putting
in bulbs etd

Thank You for this memory

scribbler

Fri, 2012-01-27 14:51

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I am glad to have reminded you of some happy times. As to title change, I think I'v only ever changed a title about3 times in about 600 poems. If I do so here it won't be done lightly...........stan PS you should join Barbara and I in her workshop on titles which will crank up about Jan. 30

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