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Flaneur

dancers automatic
with preordained gestures
subtle deliverances of words echo

eyes pour outward
into the realities
of a clockwork universe

a flutter of wood pigeons
evangelist wrath
of Satan laughing on his breath
the clutter of coin for fruit

a kiss
a flute
& the melody
twin lovers lifted upon invisible hands

beyond the glass spires
of commerce
that stab at heaven

God is opaque
a statue of light

the woman of the streets
human in her obscurity
a universe herself
to the concrete ballet of made things

painfully exquisite
she slips into the eternity
of memory

from the drunkenness of death
the angel rises

he wanders the avenues
blessed by her feet

in the shuffling of all imagined landscapes
the unbroken war of polarities

she must be Veronica
or the shroud
of enchanting lost Irene

I am nothing
but the contemplation
of the eye

for a moment
there is the stuff of revelation
in her innocent nakedness

it begins with music
before the word

a piano
the Madonna of Frydek

a naked dancer
moving in her own dimension

an ellipsis
the piece ends

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

great word, isn't it? Although I don't see how it relates to this poem, which is otherwise exquisite, highly evocative.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

strange I thought you hated my poems. yes its an unusual word I take to mean an observer. one who is a part of though almost entirely separate of the exterior world. a voyeur especially of city life like Josef K. or Kafka himself.

If you've read him maybe you could take a look at one of my other poems "Josef K.'s Dream" it touches on some of the themes in his writing especially the short stories. its an homage if that's aloud. thanks Jess

author comment

You've known me long enough to know I can be harsh, erratic, abusive and even irrational at times though I have certainly improved my behaviour over the last few years. I can't even remember when I last got suspended! [grins]. I have been remiss in critique of late but that's not personal, it's time. There has only, in 11 years, been one poet here whose work I hated without exception, she once used the word 'beautiful' seven times in a poem about her grand-daughter's ballet dancing. No wonder I sometimes get cranky and flip out.

I'll certainly have a look at "Josef K.'s Dream" when I can.

oh and homage is allowed, silent or aloud.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

I was reading your words with the music on the background, the first link you have provided in the last blog. It is a pleasure read.
To my opinion, in comparison to structured, classical poems stream-of-consciousness poems need to have more hooks, alliterations or metaphors, less poetic and overused words.
I think your poem has fresh images and I like it.
I was lost a little bit towards the end. I feel your beginning is more intense and the second part more diluted. Sorry if I missed something, I am not advanced in criticism, so I comment like a reader.

IRiz

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with the other poem it was stupid and really not my intent. of course a persons temperament and understanding to a degree rewrites the poem for themselves in their own mind. I would more than any agree that sometimes in my poems the first words are stronger or sometimes the denouement. all of my poems need work and I am undisciplined.

the piece of music Madonna of Frydek by Leos Janacek I don't know why I chose it other than its my favourite piece of music by my favourite composer. the music always feels like rain to me. or water passing under a brook like the brook that passed under my grandmas' cottage when I was little. maybe I should have chosen a more fitting piece that bore some relation to the writing.

here it is again just in case you've not heard it or not in a while

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKCF6ruQHnE

thanks for reading another of my poems and sorry again if I offended you

author comment

Not offended. No need to apologise (to me at least). Thank you for the link what a great piece of rainy music. Absolutly love it even if I usually prefer more structured minimalists for background music.

IRiz

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