Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Fire Engine Blues

Submitted by Sinbadthesailorman on Fri, 2010-11-05 00:48

The Child I once was and knew so well
Has faded into a hardened shell

I won and lost a battle here and there
But yet, the war it rages everywhere

My wisdom do earn, and then over rate it
And yet, still others will debate it

Faithful trust, just turned into dust
Life was de-veined, derailed, just a bust

I must, I must, I must
Postponed and deflated

Under rated 'twas some other's fate
I entered into life; a little less, then late

Who would dare such a thing?
Whom could bare such; without wings?

Debased now, I can not sing
Gone Is my wedding ring

With Burning Passions
Set ablaze; my eternals rage

Bones and flesh are melted, as the Ice
I take one more hit, a final slice

Fathers and mothers race
A child left with out a face

Flames grown and have over whelmed
Limbs deformed and burned I squirm

I did not ever learn
I was Burned

Sirens sound, fires burn
The loneliest of hues

Whilst I listen to
The Fire Engine Blues

A thought by Sinbad the Sailor Man

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
thanks Geezer I have been so busy and I lost my new password and the new address and I am learning this new field sets here so I'll be back when I have more time to read and play with these new features. Donnie/Sinbad the Sailor Man I missed ya all I'll be back though TTFN I think its about right Now Thanks again
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2010-11-05 03:32

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

I really liked this, but think it could use a few tweaks to improve the flow.
1] harden[ed]
2]But yet [ , ]
3] does
4 [d]eveined
5 Underrated] [ 'twas ] other's
6] Who [ would ]
7] Debased now [ , ]
8] ablaze
9] Limbs deformed [ , ]
10] sound [ , ]
11] [ So now ] I'm listening to

Ther are a couple of other places that the lines seem a little sparce, but maybe you could beef them up a little. Read the poem over again, and I think you will see what I mean. Nice to see your work again. ~ Respectfully yours, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Sinbadthesailorman

Sun, 2011-06-05 16:34

Sinbadthesailorman's picture

As some of you Know I been trying to start up my own little learning center of sorts. Not for learning How to write poetry, but to use it to earn an income stream.

All or most of my writes are now linked through and back through my publishers and my Blogs along with this site I have been working on.
So some of the poems I try to design to have hints and tips into them, this is an on going task, but I leave some of my poems un-fixed and/or updated for awhile so others can see why I use my Pay Per Clicks that I use.
Real time editing or on-line editing allows corrections endless corrections and many are still afraid to try because they think these rough drafts will always remain the same. Which is not the case.

I will be trying to create some higher quality poems and writes very soon as to show improvement, but this is a mighty hefty task I have undertook and requires from me, most of my time.
Thanks Gee! Respectfully yours I like that! Donnie/ Sinbad

Donald Beres Jr

author comment

Sinbadthesailorman

Sun, 2011-06-05 16:45

Sinbadthesailorman's picture

Hi xena, thank you I am still trying and still re-writing them all! Kind of like my little ones infatuations with those PokeMons got to get them all! A card game and cartoon. I am in an infatuation with what I am or what I have undertook, but still wish to market an E-book and then some Hard copy high quality leather bound books, later of my writes that will have the highest quality I can produce and I am learning bunches from the trying.

Thank you, for the read and comment I am sorry, I kept losing this site and getting the site has crashed message. I hope that is over with and you guys are back for good. I have several links to you guys in my site and hope that people are checking you all out from my referrals to you all here. @ Neopoet,com

Donald Beres Jr

author comment

Sinbadthesailorman

Sun, 2011-06-05 16:54

Sinbadthesailorman's picture

So I got a great big head! Until I found out I had a porno site back linked through my site from an old forum I had. So that was what that line at that time was meant to reference. Our Hardest Critics are some times are best Teachers. And critiques roll of my back like water does a duck , not that I don't take all and any into consideration though. But I do have my own style as do we all Right?

Thanks hope everyone is doing well I am getting better every day now even though I had another injury to my lower back this April when My uncle of 71 fell off a scaffold an onto me causing an L-2 Compression fracture. I have the best luck don't I?
CYA
Donnie/ Sinbad the Sailor Man

Donald Beres Jr

author comment

Sinbadthesailorman

Wed, 2010-11-17 19:40

Sinbadthesailorman's picture

I'll be back soon I hope Donnie/ Sinbad the Sailor Man
I am working hard On my sites ranking so I need to update and improve upon it some down into the ten million spot hoping to get into the million spot by Dec 25th TTFN C ya

Donald Beres Jr

author comment

Sinbadthesailorman

Sun, 2011-06-05 16:14

Sinbadthesailorman's picture

Missed you all so I shall have to a lot so time to re-enter and re-associate myself For I want to improve and better all that I have already posted everywhere on the World Wide Web well I am working today but will start coming back around more and more as I need to created better writes before Posting them now Thanks All Love ya and missed ya Donnie/ Sinbad the Sailor Man

Donald Beres Jr

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.