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The Finger Of War

In the theatre of war,
Men were hugging war like sister
In the war front- death posing like Goliath
With a red-wined eyes,
War came like torrents of rain
In sporodicidal shooting- boiling bullets
Targeting the high ranked majors
As their ark enemies
In the wonted wickedness of the war
Many men died
If war was a curse
Then many nations of the world
Are under her spell

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Firstly, excellent imagery and tone. This is a solid piece.

Secondly, punctuation. It is sparse. I am of the opinion that punctuation should be embraced or discarded but never ignored. I believe punctuation give the reader pacing and insight into intent. So if you choose to use it, be exact, create the pauses and stops where you intent to demonstrate the flow you designed. If you decided to eschew punctuation, remove it entirely. Leave nothing behind to hint and let the reader find their own pacing and flow.

Concerning repetition. There is nothing wrong with repetition is poetry, but it should always appear deliberate. Currently, I do not know if the repetition was intended or if there is a decision to limit the vocabulary.

As an example, I will recast the first few lines of your work both with enforced repetition and with alternative words to eliminate repetition.

It was the theatre of war.
It was Men who were embracing their sister of war.
It was the death posing like a Goliath of war,
With a red-wined eyes of war.

*****

In the theatre of war,
Men were hugging chaos like a sister,
In the battle front, with death posing like Goliath
With a red-wined eyes.

Take anything or nothing from these suggestions. As the artist, only you can decide if your effort matches your intent.

Be well.

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Jonathan Moore

Sir Pugilist. you did the exact exploration in the poem. In fact, there was an eye to eye contact in each lines. I have found your intellectual acuity excellent.

Concerning the repetitions that occurred in different words, i have taken cognizance of them.
With great thanks, some thing vital has been taken from the suggestions.

A million thanks!

Onyinyechi Cosmos

author comment

The open exchange of ideas, focused on making us better poets, is the heart of the workshop.

And as I said, this is a solid piece and I look forward to your edits.

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Jonathan Moore

Nice to meet you here.

My regards to your fans, sure, i will...

Onyinyechi Cosmos

author comment
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