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Fight

Submitted by lou on Wed, 2010-12-15 02:04

When you're at school the buggers hold you down,
So many rules to control you
and make a child conform.

The teenage years are when most rebel,
Spirits are crushed under the heel
of expectations.

When you leave education behind,
Relief isn't found.
Eight hours a day under the boss man's cosh.

Pressure to conform and marry,
2.4 children and a terraced house.
Or at least be part of a couple.

But some escape through the cracks,
And remain an individual .
Unique and live to the beat of their own drum.

It's to those I say hail and well done,
You have fucked the system,
And won.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Wed, 2010-12-15 06:30

This has the makings of a brilliant poem, a few tweaks if I may, Lou!

When you're at school the buggers hold you down,
Rules to control
make every child conform.

Mostly rebellious, the teenage years
Spirits are crushed under fears
where is the future?

When you leave education behind,
Relief isn't found.
Eight hours a day under the boss man's cosh.

Pressure to conform and marry,
2.4 children and a terraced house
Or a facsimile of such.

But some escape through the cracks,
And remain an individual, emancipated and
Uniquely alive to the beat of their own drum.

It's to those I say hail and well done,
You have fucked the system,
And won.

(I fucking love this poem, Lou with or without my tweaks... there were spellings that I corrected, however)

Yeah, yeah and yeah!

~A

lou

Wed, 2010-12-15 06:53

lou's picture

I'm glad you like it, a spell check was carried out, I'll take a look at your suggestions.

Thank you.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Psyve

Wed, 2010-12-15 11:14

Psyve's picture

Lou,

This one instantly brought to mind John Lenmon's classic: "Working Class Hero" and Pink Floyd's "The Wall".

Your poem is in a similar vein.

An interesting commentary on our lives, from the time we go to school till we retire.

Psyve

lou

Wed, 2010-12-15 11:40

lou's picture

Thank you , I can see the similarity to Working Class Hero.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Eduardo Cruz

Wed, 2010-12-15 11:32

Eduardo Cruz's picture

i like it very much!
the age old cry "free me from these bonds, that society calls Life" ahh!, to remember the freedom of the 60's. but eventually we conformed also, we just changed things but in those changes we made concessions.
Bravo lou, we have to live free that's why I'm here at Neopoet,that unchained feeling of freedom.
Always Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

lou

Wed, 2010-12-15 11:44

lou's picture

really glad you like it.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Kailashana2

Wed, 2010-12-15 11:39

I'm reminded of the song (Me and Bobby McGee)... this particular line....

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose".

~A

lou

Wed, 2010-12-15 11:49

lou's picture

i love that Kris Kristofferson song, especially the Janis Joplin version.

thanks

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

lou

Thu, 2010-12-16 04:49

lou's picture

You little rebel, thanks , i'm pleased that you like it.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment
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