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Field of Stone

Submitted by Rett on Sun, 2010-10-31 20:50

Field of Stone

I crossed the hills and valleys
And prairies all alone
I forded mountain streams
And found a field of stone

I toiled until my hands bled
And blood mixed in the ground
Baptized in my sweat and blood
Happiness was found

I built a home from all the rocks
And raised a family there
I plowed the fields and grew the crops
In soil so loose and spare

'I watched my children move away
To greener fields and goals
We stayed on; just my wife and I
at the hearthfire of our souls

Together we shared the burdens
Each doing their fair share
And when the good Lord called her
I buried her body there

Now my broken heart surrenders
And I stand alone to pray
The land I loved now seems so cold
Since she has gone away

I thought as I grew older
I'd never be alone
But little did I realize
Life is filled with stones

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Comments

judyanne

Sun, 2010-10-31 22:21

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beautiful write rett - i flowed along with it and felt the emotions of life through it...

however
'I watched my children move away
To greener fields and fair
We stayed on; just my wife and I
Our souls were rooted there'
just seems a little contrived with the rhyme....

a suggestion:
'I watched my children move away
To greener fields and goals
We stayed on; just my wife and I
at the hearthfire of our souls' (or homeplace.... or some such thing?.)

just me -
love
judy
xxxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rett

Sun, 2010-10-31 22:54

Rett's picture

I really like that suggestion. I appreciate it immensely!

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Rett

Sun, 2010-10-31 23:28

Rett's picture

Thank you kindly ma'am. *G*

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-01 01:19

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This one still rings clear and clarion, my friend. Wow, it feels like an age since that night in chat.

Jim

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Rett

Mon, 2010-11-01 10:36

Rett's picture

I'll be glad when the new chat is up and running. I think it is going to be really nice.

Thanks for the nice comment!

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Rett

Wed, 2010-11-24 21:44

Rett's picture

I appreciate it very much.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

magics02

Mon, 2010-11-01 21:51

This was a heartfelt piece I felt upon reading and you did a great job of it. The image is vivid, the flow is great and the meter is right on spot!! Upon reviewing this one I only had one trip up on this line:

at the hearthfire of our souls

How about (in the hearthfire of our souls)

You let me know how you think of that and if not it is fine the way it is. Alot of feeling in this write Rett.

Cheers, Mona

Nordic cloud

Tue, 2010-11-02 13:01

Nordic cloud's picture

Her suggestion I find is what I felt myself.

Otherwise Rett
this is very good and very sad,
very stoney and very clad
in sorrows for tomorrows
and loneliness to come,
when you're a jolly fellow,
full of life and full of fun,
so go and get to meet some others,
join their happy throng,
learn to sing their song,
and then perchance you'll find another one
whose life is like with yours
and who might share with you those trying chores.

I enjoyed this one Rett and send my love to you,
from Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

judyanne

Tue, 2010-11-02 13:10

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refers to a place - the home rett refers to building in the previous verses
but it's not just the house, it's the land, so 'at' seems more appropriate to me

still, it's your expression rett.....
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rett

Wed, 2010-11-24 21:47

Rett's picture

Exactly, not just the home, the land, the memories, the love all wrapped up there. At is the correct usage.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Rett

Thu, 2010-11-25 11:17

Rett's picture

I was in a weird mood one night and started thinking about. What if a person had done such and such, how would it play out. This poem was the result.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Kailashana2

Thu, 2010-11-25 07:12

My condolences, dearest Rhett*. This poem has a lyric quality, just aching to be set to music.

~A

* ;-)

Rett

Thu, 2010-11-25 11:21

Rett's picture

I love putting a story to poem. What would happen if a person did this and that. How would it play out. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2010-11-25 08:09

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This is probably my favorite write of yours, hence I am compelled to offer ideas to improve its rhyme to help make it the masterpiece it truly is ( or ruin it according to perspective lol ) Here goes :
l-3 needs another word, maybe....swollen mountain streams ?
l-12 delete " so "
l-15 try : but my wife and I, we stay
l-17 try : we shared burdens together
l-21 try ; now my broken heart feels old
l-25 and 26 :I thought as I grew old and wize
I'd never be alone

All are ideas to help maintain rhyme or flow which you are free to use if you see fit. Also free to tell me to take a hike...........scribbler

Rett

Thu, 2010-11-25 11:22

Rett's picture

I appreciate it a bunch!

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

mand

Thu, 2010-11-25 11:34

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Excellent flow - both in thought and in rhyme, and so true. Make the most of life while we have it eh!

Enjoyed reading this one, thanks for sharing.

Love Mand xxxxx

Rett

Thu, 2010-11-25 20:41

Rett's picture

Yes, we have to make the most of life. I appreciate the kind words.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment
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