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Fear's Transgression (with vid)

REWRITTEN AND RETITLED BY WEIRDELF

Fear's Transgression

I'm so worried, stretched and drawn,
really worried, my skin is worn
To think, that ghastly gleaming grimace comes for me,
Too soon! I've yet to save each moment's words,
To build a mountain, a mountain range of all life's
savage, leering, laughing joys and scattered turds.
I fall back, glaring rapaciously into the roiling night
terror sucks me from the ground into a wormhole.
That I might miss the chance to write it all
from bang to entropy, I fall in thrall of loss
to the void behind her pinpoint pupils
this time stares back with little of import,
for just this hour must replace the years I'd hoped
for something real, more real than this, cheap chapped kiss
and tying off the tourney, work the fist and pat the vein
seeing the bloom of blood into the fit, I know
that nothing's worth me coming back again.

Video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ue9pLa5GUU

The original When I have fears...
John Keats (1795-1821)

WHEN I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high pil`d books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face, 5
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And feel that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!
That I shall never look upon thee more, 10
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think,
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.

 

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Poor Wesley must be squirming, what horror I've wreaked on Mr Keats.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Loved your stripping of the original.
The rewrite came across as the same message of the imagery removed and the original.
I thought that the rewrite had to contradict the situation of the original, sort of full of life and running a marathon type where your youth spilled onto your pathway ??
Take care out there, Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

however it is significantly different. More egocentric yet cosmic despair than thoughtful sadness.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

read this twice and am still unsure what to make of it. I shall return.......stan

see my reply to Ian above.
I also intend to edit this as I think it could stand as a work in its own right.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Your write is excellent and as you say could stand alone as a snarl at death and its approaching wretchedness.
I shall wait for the edited version and I know there are a few more things you can say on the subject.
Take care and know you are in our thoughts,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

are permitted right up until shop's end is announced

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

serves as a constructive revision of Keats' original. Most people, if you talk to them, have no idea he was an atheist. But most people don't read Keats at all, so it is an improvement for them to have an image of him period.

I did some more revisions and a better reading as I think it stands as a work in its own right.
In fact I'm pretty chuffed with it.
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/so-worried

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

ta, mate.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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