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Farewell to Sham

Submitted by t. reflexion on Fri, 2012-01-06 23:18

I asked an old ally to see me
Long before New Year day
Excuses follow all the way
A text endorsed that eve to be

Watch through or tarry night
Sacred ground lent the excuse
Cordiality turned into abuse
Daring me to start a fight

A leopard’s spots change not, they say
Mere visit packaged to court and test
Susan and Steve squared for a contest
Till reproof put inconstancy at bay

I rebuke all forms of unreliable spirit
Closed all doors to disappointment
Through penance for my atonement
When fickleness was served a writ

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Roscoe Lane

Sat, 2012-01-07 04:21

Roscoe Lane's picture

Great title very strong. The rest could do with a little work, just to smooth and help the flow. I have done the first verse as an example of the way i would have dione it. Still good work. Regards Roscoe..

I asked an old ally to visit me,
long before new year's day.
Excuses followed all the way,
A text endorsed that eve to be.

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

t. reflexion

Sat, 2012-01-07 23:06

t. reflexion's picture

I am experimenting on new forms to see if I can write something close to poetry, Best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

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