Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Fallen Soul ( updated)

Submitted by lou on Thu, 2010-12-09 05:11

Angelic perversion
fall from grace
banished into the wilderness

He wanders a solitary road
a desolate soul,
the abandoned one.

Hades and the bowels of hell,
behind soulless eyes
the stench of death upon his ragged clothes.

Creeping through the urban undergrowth
ashen heart, so brittle and cold,
Godforsaken, rejected.

Immortality his cross to bear
condemned to exist in purgatory,
A deviant fiend.

Vile transgressor
contrition his eternal torture,
redemption his goal.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
UPDATED VERSION 23/12/2010
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

Kailashana2

Thu, 2010-12-09 05:45

I wondered how you would end this poem.

"Contrition his eternal torture." Befitting, quite befitting, Lou.

~

lou

Thu, 2010-12-09 06:51

lou's picture

Thank you

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2010-12-09 07:56

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

like to see you expand on this one. You lead us on with a description of a tormented soul, but we never have a clue as to why. The word you want is spelled bear. Unless you meant that he bared his immortality to the world. Love to see more of this, ~ Love ya, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

lou

Thu, 2010-12-09 09:40

lou's picture

i take your point and i will look at expanding it.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2010-12-09 09:21

Volunteer badge

Don't take this wrong but as the writer of tormented souls you are the best...............scribbler

lou

Thu, 2010-12-09 09:41

lou's picture

Thank you that is very kind.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2010-12-09 11:48

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

I would love to see this piece expanded! My favorite lines:

He wanders a solitary road,
a desolate soul,
the abandoned one

I think that at sometime in all of our lives we all can relate to this! Brilliant write!

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

lou

Thu, 2010-12-09 12:23

lou's picture

I'm pleased you like it, its based on a character in the book i'm writing. I'm working on adding an extra stanza or two at the moment.

love lou x

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

lou

Thu, 2010-12-09 13:16

lou's picture

thank you

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-12-09 12:55

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

I thought I recognised this from your book. Since I am aware of the story and the characters, I don't need it expanded upon, but I guess others unaware of your story need a little more information to make it work.

I think you should include this in your [prologue]...would make an excellent addition to it. Actually, thinking about it, I would leave this version you've written as the prologue, and then use the whole piece (assuming you are writing some more stanza's) in the [epilogue]...would kind of round off the story in one. All you have to do now is write the novel!

Good poem, great introduction to the book.

Good job indeed,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Thu, 2010-12-09 13:15

lou's picture

HS

I like the idea of using the poem in the epilogue.

The novel will get written, just might take a while. lol

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Psyve

Fri, 2010-12-10 14:42

Psyve's picture

I liked this one.

Didn't realise it is about a character from a book you are writing, but the poem has almost a "Lord of the Rings"-ian sort of fantasy fiction feel to it. The protagonist could well be a fallen character from that.

Nicely done.... dark... and grey ash everywhere...

Psyve

lou

Fri, 2010-12-10 15:24

lou's picture

The character is actually a fallen angel, i didn't make that clear. Im glad you enjoyed it .

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.