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A Fall Rhyku
As Fall takes her throne
Summer feels she’s on her own
Sad to be alone
New Queen sets the scene
Colors red yellow and green
Give trees a bright sheen
Hear football fans cheer
Tailgaters’ waited all year
For good food and beer
So wave summer bye
Fall has arrived on the fly
And winter is nigh
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
valene
Thu, 2016-09-22 22:44
I agree
When the fall weather is good....cooler, sunny days, leaves with vibrant colors, there's something really special this time of year. We used to talk about moving to Arizona but I knew I'd miss the change of seasons, especially the beauty fall has to offer. Thanks to my younger son, I even enjoy watching football although our team has a long ways to go as far as improving!
author commentvalene
Thu, 2016-09-22 11:14
And this is why I need proof reader!
Many thanks gemma for picking up on my 'spag' as you call it! In the past I have found these structured forms to be a bit of a hassle to write but it's been fun meeting a new challenge and, long story short(hum wonder where you may have picked that up from?!) I'm tickled pink that you liked it! Thanks again my dear for giving me the opportunity to correct my faux pas..which I've done! x
val
author commentOriginalRhyku
Sun, 2016-09-25 12:47
Scenic Seasonal Sighting
Valene, you have a good handle on the Rhyku format already and this Rhyku is one for all seasons. If there was a small suggestion, it is that the first, second and fourth verses have an ethereal quality but the third verse evokes a more down to earth or earthy vision of football and beer. There is a slight discordance in the ethereal flow of the Rhyku. Other than that, Rhyku onwards and upwards!
valene
Tue, 2016-09-27 19:16
I get your drift
I kind of knew the football verse was a bit out of place w/the rest, but decided to include it cos it's definitely part of what fall's all about....so yeah, you're right... the point you made, it's justified! I'm glad that I did ok otherwise with you being the 'master' of this form...Thanks for your constructive and positive thoughts!
val
author commentEsker
Mon, 2016-09-26 14:35
rhyme
I dont write rhyme often
but like all writing im good at it...
I just prefer free form
I find the rhyme delightful
an ex girfriend from a powerful
family....(they owned parking
lots ..the printing press..properties
in a huge northern city to the west)
taught me about football..
her brother was a quarterback
for the Hamilton Tigercats
a steel city still and then
a lot of italians...
(they were italian and White
russian) she got me into
football..and I always enjoyed
the fall for I learned how to
work for the wealthy resort
owners around us as a teen
raking leaves...helping prepare
their expensive beautiful lakeside
places for winter...They
appreciated me muchly!
Recently my girlfrieinds cousin
is dating an ex quarterback
for the same team...a very
capable contractor now
U have to a good sportsman
articulate and good to be
on that time....to be chosen
biting your lip...following
rules.....obeying rules...
They are a good team!
and tailgating parties they
are allowing now in Toronto
the cosmopolitin city
south of us here..
So enjoyable to mix and
mingle with others enjoying
the same thing
Like Neopoet
its not a setting for
delinquents to wander
about haphazardly
Your poem is happy
and bright..and supportive
of a good sport..
thank U!
valene
Tue, 2016-09-27 19:30
I'm mainly a rhymer
Haiku's and now Rhyu's aren't normally my thing. I'm not crazy about the structured format but every now and then taking on a challenge is good for my brain! Mostly I do rhyme, it's just how I feel comfortable writing. My attempts at free form haven't been overly successful so I tend to scrap them. I admire poets such as yourself who seem to have mastered the ability. Until I was separated and living with just my younger son, I didn't really pay much attention to football, but he's a sports lover and has brought me around to football and basketball. I still don't have a handle on the rules of the games but he's kind enough to explain things to me and I do know a good play and/or bad one when I see one so I can enjoy watching. He and his friends have tailgated in the past and being the wonderful mom that I am...LOL!...I have supplied many a meal for grilling! I think I'm done with this form off poetry for now and I thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories with me!
val
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2016-10-03 01:53
Rhyme is the least of poetic structure
and the most often abused.
There is a theory (mine) that the original poetry was spoken by Shamans emerging from trance induced by drumbeats, so meter was the prime poetic form. Scandinavian poetry uses extensive alliteration and no rhyme, again induced by the music of the drumbeat.
Rhyme is a much later invention and needs to be used so carefully, it produces some of the most horrendous poetry.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
valene
Mon, 2016-10-03 16:40
Not sure I agree
I appreciate your taking the time to read my work as well as your input! I'm not sure I agree about rhyming. I will say when it sounds forced it definitely takes away from any poem. In this case I was meeting the challenge of writing a Rhyku which does call for rhyming, so that be that. These short, strict structured forms of poetry aren't my favorite but every now and then it's fun to try something different. Anyhow, thanks for sharing your theory with me....something to think about for sure!
val
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