Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

FAKE SMILE

Submitted by pointless_writer on Sun, 2018-02-18 17:16

Only few can tell if a smile is fake,
An empty smile is easy to create,
You simply move a muscle and there you go,
A deceiving mask to make sure no one knows,

See a frown can ruin someone's day,
Set an unhappy mood to their dismay,
So put on you're fake smile,
Pretend your okay,
No one should know you feel this way,

Keep to your self, your fake smile is your shield,
Wouldn't want your true emotions to be revealed,
So remember an empty
smile is easy to create,
Few can tell if a smile is fake...

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Geezer

Mon, 2018-02-19 10:02

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

try to firm up the lines a bit and use less words to convey the same meaning.

"Few can tell if your smile is fake
An empty smile is easy to make
Little muscles make it so
A mask to hide what you don't know." Jus an example of what you can do with fewer words. Hope this helps!
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

pointless_writer

Mon, 2018-02-19 13:30

that is great advice that i will follow through with

author comment

raj

Mon, 2018-02-19 13:39

In recent times i have been hearing a lot being tweeted labelled Fake News..and here you have written a poem about Fake Smile. I believe you could have added something about benefits if any of a Fake Smile or what is making people use a fake smile instead of the preferred beautiful natural smile...just my personal opinion...

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

pointless_writer

Mon, 2018-02-19 13:44

thank you for your opinion on the topic i do appericate it i was drafting poem about fake news weeks before i wrote this and may publish that one too

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2018-02-19 14:29

Volunteer badge

there are some changed I'd make had I written this but I didn't lol. However in Stanza 2 line1 "someone's" , stanza 2 line 2 "their" Stanza 2 line 4 "you're" , just a few grammaticals you can easily clean up........stan

pointless_writer

Mon, 2018-02-19 17:11

thanks for the advice very much apperciate it

author comment

pointless_writer

Mon, 2018-02-19 17:11

thanks for the advice very much apperciate it

author comment

pointless_writer

Mon, 2018-02-19 17:11

thanks for the advice very much apperciate it

author comment

Eumolpus

Mon, 2018-02-19 18:26

Eumolpus's picture

Please be so kind as to scroll down on the homepage, you'll see a poem I just posted called "The Smile" I had a different take on these involuntary smiles we share, but mine was directed at the crowd, not people near to me. (and the difference with chilren's smiling) So Your poem makes me consider the "fake" smile we often show, or surely others show us. Makes me think there are distinctions- the fake smile we share with others in public, on the elevator, on line to pay...this smile is not personal... and the smile we may show people near us which hides our true feelings at the moment. Both are somewhat "fake" while at the same time being just being human. Smiling is away to finish a conversation about something after all...what's there to add?
I also considered once we each have a certain smile we use somewhat universally. LIke posing when the cameraman says "smile." Mine seems to be the same for well over half a century in all the pictures..but of sorrow, there are so many masks and different faces, no two alike.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

pointless_writer

Wed, 2018-02-21 13:16

i agree with your outlook. This poems highlights taht not all we see is truthful and taht we hid our feelings more often then not . ill be sure to check out your poem 'the smile'.

author comment

raj

Wed, 2018-02-21 15:34

A great improvement over your original version.

raj (sublime_ocean)

weirdelf

Fri, 2018-03-16 23:23

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

I think fake smiles are easy to detect. Even if we don't consciously think 'that is a fake smile' we feel uncomfortable when we see one. People are very sensitive to unspoken communication through eyes and body language.

This poem puts me in mind of when asked 'How are you?' and people respond 'I'm fine', when they clearly aren't. In that case fine is an acronym for Fuckedup Insecure Neurotic and Emotional [real smile]

I like this poem.

oops, one of your revisions created an error where there wasn't one
So put on you're fake smile, [your was correct, you're is short for you are]
be careful when reacting to people's suggestions, they aren't always right.

Also you changed the title to all caps, that is not necessary.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.