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Fairground attraction

Children, a roller-coaster
High above ground
Why do they go to fairgrounds
Why send them?
Is it the death wish
they scream overhead?
catapulted in and out of space
snapping like rubber bands
Out and in, in and out
Death held in hands
gripping the bars of the
gilded temporary prison
from which they wish to be ejected
yet hanging on for dear life
Wishing to live but asking
never more to return
until they slow down
to land on terra firma.
Will they be
in one piece or more?
Love and worry replaced by relief
When they return unharmed
to their source of succour

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Stimulated by Jennifer and fear
Editing stage: 

Comments

very good was on that ride much enjoyed x

In one piece or more? Guess I'm too dense to figure out your meaning in this line lol. But the rest of it was a true ride lol. I expect children enjoy the rides because it's the closest they can come to flying.........stan

enjoy life but rare

loved

i like this, but i agree with eph - it needs a tiny cull lol - just imo of course

my suggestions for the cull are in bold and brackets... remember this is just my opinion :)

Children on a rollercoaster
 a thousand feet above the ground
 (Why take them to a fairground?
 Why send them on their own?)
 Is it the death wish
 that sends them screaming overhead
 Bodies catapulted (in and out of space)
 snapping like rubber bands
 Out and in, in and out
 Death held in (their little) hands
gripping (the) bars of (the)
 gilded temporary prison(s) (they are in)
 from which they wish to be ejected
 into space though hanging on for dear life
 wishing to live but asking  (can you think of another word - 'wish' and 'wishing' used very close here)
never more to return
 until they slow down
 to land on terra firma
 (in one piece or more)

love judy xxx

.

 

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I agree with Judyanne on this one it needs a little cull and after reading through her suggestions I find them all sound, I have never had a fear of much I am the one always first in line for the rollercoaster I have bungee jumped and I as my partner says "I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane" LOL

I understand the fear though my daughter was scared of rides growing up and could only be coaxed into riding when I went with her

well done

Jayne-Chloe xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Agree with the edits...good theme though. Absolutely hate fairground rides....my daughter always used to drag me on some contraption of torture!

Ells x

One piece- they get out safely or they shatter into many pieces when they fall out,
I like Betty's changes. I shall use it in a rewrite and thanks for all the comments

author comment

One piece- they get out safely or they shatter into many pieces when they fall out,
I like Betty's changes. I shall use it in a rewrite and thanks for all the comments

author comment

One piece- they get out safely or they shatter into many pieces when they fall out,
I like Betty's changes. I shall use it in a rewrite and thanks for all the comments

author comment

confirming and reconfirming Frenchy ???

loved

I get the distinct feeling you don't like the carnival rides !
You are not the only one, my wife hates them but for many
it is a thrill you can't get anywhere else. I can see you worrying
the entire time one of your kids are on one. I had to ride with the
kids, they all loved them. Now I'm old and don't want anything
to do with those crazy rides.

I see that Judy offered some excellent editing on your poem,
there was one other spot that I wanted to address,
" a thousand feet above the ground "
the first thing here is no ride goes a thousand feet in the air,
that being said, " the ground " do you really need that? Do
you think the sentence will be just as, if not more effective
culled down to " a thousand feet above "

merely an opinion,
Richard

I sit in them with my eyes shut terrified
Yes poem needs drastic editing. Agree with you and July
Must rewrite thanks

author comment
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