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Extract

Submitted by Serendipity on Fri, 2019-04-12 02:47

stretching gray
 sheet sentinels
  of bush

observe

a symphony of rain
 wavers
  a brook Rachmaninoff’s
   the cliche of entropy

listen

Pastels of light
 reach canopy
  painting nature
   With one luminous
    golden strand

know

possum
 crawling nose
  scampers retreat,
   as alien scents
    reach downwind

become

cockatoo’s
 Stark flamingo serenade,
  into the pink
   disc

wonder

the conjuring
 of disrobing life,

its peaceful uproar
 savoring
  cinnamon specks
   waiting future’s call

hope

salt cracks
 from my face
  at my feet

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Dalton

Fri, 2019-04-12 12:41

always love references to music in poetry. but please before I comment could you explain a little of the background to this poem. why did you write it. there are many poems that are beautiful on the surface that you can only understand what the poet is really saying when you're allowed to peak behind the veil if I may be so rude as to ask?

thanks dear Jayne

Serendipity

Fri, 2019-04-12 14:33

Serendipity's picture

This was a visit to the bush. The light and life around me. I've always loved being alone and sitting there in the silence all of a sudden you find this roar surrounding you, that one minute before hadn't bern there. I remember I was sad this day and I just couldn't shake it off but in this place I found a beauty and I cant explain exactly how much it gave back to me that is very personal. I had some friends help me edit this one. Seeing if they could see where I was taking my reader. They had a few suggestions but as always those were up to me. Extract of Australia I guess you could say. But I think Ill stick with my present title. They loved it.

Love and hugs J xx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

Dalton

Fri, 2019-04-12 14:56

it means a lot more to me now I know where it comes from. of course I can never understand it entirely as I've never been to Australia never absorbed the harsh beauty of the bush. I wouldn't change the wording of this piece but maybe offer a little hint somewhere as to where it is. I'm so dumb I should have guessed immediately it was that bush as I knew you are from Australia.

keep writing dear and keep surviving love john

Serendipity

Sat, 2019-04-13 03:42

Serendipity's picture

Yeah I sometimes write poetry thats spare sometimes. In this case I always ask someone to read and tell me if its not too obtuse. I think if its spare and still gets through to the reader you've done your job. I'll think on that suggestion maybe add a stanza or even use Stans idea

Thanks so much for reading

Love and hugs Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

scribbler

Fri, 2019-04-12 15:03

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Hiya sis. I think that a very minor change would allow the stage to be set for this and give the reader a starting point. Line 3 instead of saying of bush try in the bush and see if that works. The "snippet" form works well as a lot of observing nature Comes in snippets..........stan

Serendipity

Sat, 2019-04-13 03:45

Serendipity's picture

I will give that suggestion some thought. I dont want it to be too vague and people not have a clue wtf I'm on about.

I'll have a think. I may even add a stanza at the beginning.

Thank you so much for taking some time to read this one

Love Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2019-04-13 11:08

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a thin line between being too obvious and too obscure sometimes ain't it?

Geezer

Fri, 2019-04-12 15:07

Geezer's picture
Advocate badge

into the bush with you on this one. I was puzzled by the first few lines, but I figure that maybe you are speaking of the grey clouds coming in across the bush and then letting loose in the rain; to fill the brook with the symphony of the big R! How powerful and cleansing! I understand the sparing use of words to complete the images and every one came through crystal clear. Love and higgest bugs xxx ~ Gee.
.

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Serendipity

Sat, 2019-04-13 03:52

Serendipity's picture

Thanks for coming with me into the bush. So happy you liked it. Big smile :D

stretching gray
 sheet sentinels
  of bush ???

We have grey gum trees here in Australia they are some of our koalas favourite foods.

I remember looking up and above me the trees all seem to be a full canopy. Sheeting above me. Nearly totally blocking out the light. It felt safe and enclosed like I was in my own sanctuary in the middle of nowhwere. Thats why I called them sentinels.

Anyway now I'm rambling lol thanks for the read and the visit

Love and higgliest bugs Sis xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

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