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Exercise in shallow writing

1. You held a blade
to my heart.
Every beat
fondled
the point of it.

When my heart was pounding for you,
it was like suicide.

>Thomas<

2. You said such
nice things to me.
Your seduction
undressed
my innocence.

We had sex,

then you traded your tongue
for a dagger.

>Thomas<

3. I was a wave
in the middle of
the ocean.
I saw your
shoreline
and
I raced to you
but,
your reef

broke and

stranded me.

>Thomas<

4. I turned
your attention

into want

I
could never sate.

>Thomas<

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I think perhaps an adjective or two on the last line, to further describe the suicide. "Slow", perhaps, or maybe "growing", which would tie in well with the pounding heartbeat and implicit emotion.

But its a minor thing: since I already felt that slowness and growth from reading your poem, others probably do too, with or without.

Like I said, good poetry.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thanks for commenting!

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

are both examples yours? is the second poem a rewrite of the first? interesting point of view, lol. I do like the second attempt much better. great imagery.

always, Cat

^

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thanks for your comment!

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

I think all three versions are exceptional. you blew me away with the third. I don't get to read such emotional material very often, it wounds the heart.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Cat! You are very generous.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment
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