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WITH EVERY MOMENT LOST

Now with every moment lost
As the wind flip open each page
and each living hope fall to the swords of time,
Life unfolds and bud giving every pod it's meaning
Each distinct, beautiful and ugly in diversity.

Yesterday I had a fine tone,
The harp could be traced to the notes
And every wonderful string
that reckon, romance and comfort the sensations.
But my voice cracked and ebbed between webs of spiders.
Addiction and drugs came with it's own meaning...

Life racks!
Some of us are meats salted and smoked for the savor
'Lesser gods';
mapped upon the unfortunate angle of the cosmos.

If all this is a plot,
Gods and spirits had conspired to make us outcasts
Ours is a tale people must read for bed times to kids
or sometimes to muse a desperate mind
or to anger the broken.

I hate rhymes as much as I hate religion
For what good is religion if it separates and kills?
What is God if not myself and my mind?
Now I am a sinner, you do not talk to God
God knows I'd take him to court,
but rather I'd lock my hair
For no reality is as holy as each tangle
as complex as life and all its insanity.

I've added inks to my skin
The religious fanatic call it a sin
My addictions never end.
I know tomorrow I will be all inky
writing the Bible of my life on this scary flesh.

Why not?
I'm bound by no laws, no sin
I am a saint,
A holy hermit baptized with saliva from critics
Yet man must salivate
We gods do no emotions!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Very beautiful just some thoughts to recommend:

What works:
I like the moments where there is a rhyme. It gives a presumed end and sums up the lines before. I like how it is structured using terms like moving and bridges, meeting and middle.

What doesn't work:
I find some line breaks both confusing and interesting. Sometimes you can use a line break to change the tempo of the poem, but other times the line break seems awkward. Try talking through the poem and see if the line breaks make sense rhythmically. Other times the line break seems to emphasizes a given word or phrase, but it is not consistent in its usage. If the line break is used at a given point in the paragraph, then it might seem more intentional.

The center of the poem:
The impression I get is of someone who is in the midst of change. They are hesitant on how to proceed and is looking to someone to help them along.

Mario Vitale

I will edit and fix the problem

Hommies

author comment

You have good touch, good feel for the language of poetry. You can't say everything all at once, you have to tame the rage and passion to the focused theme of the poem. Choose a theme and make it a poem for us, you audience.
You, like many of the voices speaking on this site from Nigeria, have a tone or accent in your poetry, a lot of which is grammatical. Such as
For what good is religion if it separates and kill? ( we would say "kills". This itself is the possible subject subject of a poem..a long one) As long as you control the accent or local dialect the poem will be a success. But it must be controlled.
You have also introduced addiction and drugs to us, the readers. Not to judge, believe me, but it is a very big subject. Especially here in USA where 60,000 people died of opiates last year. There are all sorts of drugs and addictions, but meth and opiates are very scary to most of us.
To me you have several different ideas for poems in this work, but too much a train of consciousness. Take that train and put it on a focused track.
I am looking to do a workshop on West African Poetry in English Today- what, who, when, etc.
Hope you will join!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thanks a lot and for letting me I have more work to do... And I'd love to join the workshop

Hommies

author comment
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