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Ever Spinning Webs

Misty rain falls on sparkled silky web
An insect's craft adorns full blossomed bush
For a spiders kill, although time does ebb
Alone with battled fly there seems no rush

Surrounded by maturing trees I see
One leaf before, greener than the other
Each coming year rebirth from memory
Some months until there will be another

The scent of fresh cut grass sits on the breeze
But hope I will it lingers more and sigh
For youthful memories will pass with ease
Alas, could beg a teardrop from the eye

And from my nearby house I hear a shriek
With playful undertone, the joy I seek

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

My first Sonnet.
I am very new to poetry writing and I would like to identify any strengths, weaknesses or areas where I should best focus, thanks.

author comment

Firstly a great welcome to Neopoet and we are all here to help make poetry a wonderful medium.
Straight in with a sonnet, well I don't think I have ever tried to write one and I haven't been writing more than 60 years lol.
Have a great time her and don't forget to answer comments..
This piece is well written so will leave it to our learned friends as to it's correct form, lol
Yours, Ian.T

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Many thanks for your comments which are much appreciated

author comment

An ambitious first write and well executed.
One or two little things you may wish to consider.
First two lines - yonder and young, sound a bit 'same ish' and contrived and to my ears interrupt the flow. I would take yonder out and replace with silvered (just a quick example, I'm sure you can come up with better) or something that has an alliterative touch and possibly look at changing young merry bush to something a bit more descriptive - these are just my suggestions, others may feel differently.
Cheers Jane

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Thank you Jane.....I will take your comments on board. Much appreciated!

author comment

Really your first sonnet? Most people get the line count and rhyming pattern right but almost no-one gets the meter so nearly perfect as this or the content pacing for a traditional sonnet. I'm gobsmacked.
I've taken the liberty of parsing it for you so you check it out yourself. Parsing is not an exact science so feel free to disagree, regional accents stress some words differently (southern states Americans are a nightmare to parse, I think it's the French influence). Mostly perfect Iambic Pentameter, I've put a [?] at the end of lines where I think the meter falters. Frankly, most of them aren't bad enough to change, it still flows beautifully, I merely point them out FYI.

MISty/ RAIN falls on/ YONder/ SILKy/ WEB [?]
An IN/sect's CRAFT/ aDORNS/ young MERR/y BUSH
For a SPI/ders KILL/, although TIME/ does EBB/ [?][?]
AlONE/ with BATT/led FLY/ there SEEMS/ no RUSH
SurROUND/ed BY/ maTUR/ing TREES/ I SEE
One LEAF/ beFORE/, GREENer/ THAN the/ OTHer [?]
Each COM/ing YEAR/ reBIRTH/ from MEM/ory [?]
some MONTHS/ unTIL/ THERE will/ BE a/NOTHer [?]
The SCENT/ of FRESH/ cut GRASS/ sits ON/ the BREEZE
But HOPE/ I WILL/ it LING/ers MORE/ and SIGH
For YOUTH/ful MEM/orIES/ will PASS/ with EASE
aLAS,/ could BEG/ a TEAR/drop FROM/ the EYE
And FROM/ my NEAR/by HOUSE/ I HEAR/ a SHRIEK
With PLAY/ful UN/derTONE/, the JOY/ I SEEK

and what's more it is a lovely, meaningful poem!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Many thanks Jess. I truly appreciate your kind and very helpful comments as well as the time you have put into this.
Yes, I have written only about 30 poems over the past 6 weeks or so and someone recommended this site and liked the rhyming pattern of a poem so suggested I try a sonnet also, which had already interested me in any event.

I would indeed love to get the iambic pentameter right and will work on this also. Thanks again and for your assistance re my editing query, which for some reason would not save for me yesterday, but has now done so today.

Warm regards,

Nick

author comment
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