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Etched in black
Our world is changing
a spider dangles from her tattered web
fervently trying to repair
the damage done by
constant barraging of
outside forces
restlessly without end
Total chaos
step easy use caution
shattered glass all around
shards of life
lay on the ground
flames licking
taunting into despair
Shadows abound
hollow sound
shallow beating
bleeding tears
what has become
nothing left but numb
Empty halls
melting walls
trickling upon itself
leading only
to what end
but the eventual breakdown
nothing left but numb
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
for those that must know what this is about suicide or a nervous breakdown
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Roscoe Lane
Thu, 2019-11-21 17:43
Sounds like.
Sounds like a message we should all heed, frightening and could happen to anyone. Well written thoughtful poem. Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
c lynn brooks
Fri, 2019-11-22 14:50
Roacoe
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on this poem
Chrys
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author commentEdna Sweetlove
Fri, 2019-12-06 19:43
Lie not lay
Stanza 2, line 5. The verb is "to lie", not "to lay"; the word "lay" is the past tense of "to lie" and is also a different verb, as in "to lay a plate on the table".
Stanza 4, line 3. Oh dear, oh dear. The word IT'S means IT IS. The word you want is ITS without an apostrophe.
What vendetta do you have you against punctuation and grammar?.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
weirdelf
Tue, 2019-12-31 15:13
I've seldom seen such effective use of enjambment
as in that first stanza.
This poem really works, creating a visual and emotional scenario of bleak power. Thank you.
Nothing really to crit or suggest except lie not lay. Tiny thing but it jars.
oh, and to mention the perfect consonance of
"nothing left but numb", the line itself is numb. It might be pushing it but how about
nothing remains but numb [?]
or pushing it even further
nothing remains, all is numb
Of course as in all cases our suggestion are only that with no onus but acknowledgement.
Oh, just checked your profile again "author,instructor,mentor" I should not be surprised at your wordcraftsmanship.
How about adding something in your profile about influential poems and poets? Just a little more you for us to relate to.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
c lynn brooks
Tue, 2019-12-31 16:23
Jess
I humbly thank you and will adhere to your suggestions and will repair asap got to run thank you once again
Chrys
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