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Epitaph for Mark

Mark loved to ski fast and barefoot.

His little sister, up on skis he put,

And showed his family how to fall,

Said to them all, “Curl up in a ball”.

Mark was a teacher, a sort of preacher,

Certainly a one of a kind creature.

He was so very good with anything water.

We miss Mark, but he left us his daughter.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: Epitaph for Mark

Poem text:
Mark loved to ski fast to barefoot
His little sister, up on skis he put
And showed his family how to fall
Said to them all, “Curl up in a ball”
Mark was a teacher, a sort of preacher
He was so very good with anything water
We miss mark, but he left us his daughter

Feedback:

1. Structure and Formatting: The poem is written in a series of centered couplets, which gives it a visually balanced appearance. However, it might benefit from a more consistent rhyme scheme and meter to create a smoother reading experience. For example, the first two lines have an AABB rhyme scheme, but the rest of the poem does not follow this pattern.

2. Imagery and Language: The poem uses simple language and imagery to convey Mark's love for water sports and his role as a teacher. The line "He was so very good with anything water" effectively captures his expertise in this area. However, the poem could benefit from more vivid and specific imagery to create a stronger emotional connection with the reader. For instance, describing a particular memory or scene involving Mark and his family could help to evoke a sense of nostalgia or loss.

3. Theme and Message: The poem seems to be an ode to Mark, celebrating his life and the impact he had on his family. The final line, "We miss mark, but he left us his daughter," suggests that his legacy lives on through his child. To strengthen this theme, consider exploring more aspects of Mark's character or the lessons he taught his family, as well as the ways in which his daughter embodies his spirit.

4. Punctuation and Capitalization: The poem has some inconsistencies in punctuation and capitalization. For example, the first letter of "mark" should be capitalized in the lines "We miss mark" and "Mark loved to ski fast to barefoot." Additionally, consider using punctuation, such as commas or periods, to separate the lines within each couplet for clarity.

Overall, the poem has the potential to be a touching tribute to Mark. By refining the structure, incorporating more vivid imagery, and addressing punctuation and capitalization inconsistencies, the poem can create a stronger emotional impact on the reader.

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use is fair and plain, which it should be, as usually you will find an epitaph on a gravestone,
and generally, needs to be short as there is not much room for it.
The rhythm is good and keeps time well. The theme is something unusual and makes for an interesting story.
A minor change could be initiated to make the very first line make better sense.

"Mark loved to ski fast [and] barefoot". ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Hello, Max!
I've read this several times and like it more each time! I agree with the assessments, so far. Kinda hard to write about such things - or maybe at our age, it's rewarding and therapeutic. You've done a fantastic job condensing the language. I do wonder about length for an epitaph, as Geezer mentioned. The contest rules suggest more than what is normally found on a headstone or the like.
Nevertheless, a wonderful epitaph.
L

Yo, Mark.
Always thought an epitaph an ideal opportunity
to tell the world to fuck off,
so, there is no right or wrong.

Loved parts of this,,,

"Mark loved to ski fast and barefoot
and showed his family how to fall
said them all "curl up in a ball."

Nice one. Obi

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