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Enedentian Epic: Canto IV

In early times the Ubeline
had fallen from their grace divine
when Ubelon, their kin and lord
against the Master's solemn word
transgressed and tarried long in sin. 5
The errant angel hid within
the confines of his solitude
as outlaw from the multitude
that gathered round the throne of Him
who made them all. Where light was dim 10
and shadow crept beyond the wall
of the expansive, ornate halls
the Master made. Where night was kept,
was where the errant angel slept.

Descending into countless woes 15
the Ubeline were, long ago
avowed accurst, a fallen name
amongst the blessed. Unholy fame
was earned by them, as consequence
would have it so, and thence 20
were they by fortune lent
deceitful arts where'er they went.
And in the clamour of their thought
were they pursued by discord wrought
in grave misdeeds upon the halls; 25
by errant acts within the walls
the Master raised. Dissension spread
where'er their brazen clamour lead.

Then thus despised, the rowdy kin
were left to joy in sport and din. 30
In secret lairs they would reside
and only with their kind confide.
So through their dark clandestine ways
the folk without the world held sway;
for while they earned the angels hate 35
by deed of choice or play of fate;
and when mischief was in their thought
and to the highest judgement brought,
the Master's unrelenting grace
gave hope to this abhorrent race. 40
They were assured incessant love
while odium burned them from above.

Yet in their hearts grew solemn scorn,
from deep abomination born.
Desiring then for great mischief 45
called Aladice, their boisterous chief
to kith and kin, assemblage held
and dire plans to them he spelled:
These lonesome shadows to forsake
and thence infest, from land to lake 50
the kingdom charged to Camelin.
So lifted they in riotous din
when felt was need, and charge was led.
Then quickly to the task they sped.
The charge was led, when great was need; 55
submitting to their wanton creed.

The dreadful sons of Ubelon
in dark mists stole, and looked upon
the virgin home, the new domain
as Camelin begun his reign. 60
Then slinking by, they issued forth
through hidden passes to the north
where whispered wind and cruel was ice.
The mighty host of Aladice
these winters of the height endured 65
for more than any had matured
that hardy kin. Then from the sky
they let their silken banners fly.
So from the sky fell treacherous kin
unto the world of Camelin. 70

But by their advent, mighty lords
were stirred by grave foreboding words.
Into the eastern world they sped
by their own haughtiness misled.
But none could claim of ignorance 75
when over highlands gallant pranced
a mighty steed with vicious mane.
The lords, confused, forsook the plain
and hastened to the distant north
with callous mien exuding froth: 80
A charge they led, with spear and shield
a mighty throng across the field.
With spear and shield the charge was led.
Across the plains their horses sped.

The rider on the mountains high 85
whose image rose against the sky
was Aladice, the chieftain strong
and captain of the treacherous throng.
Long he espied the haughty lords
and with keen ear he caught their words, 90
for Ubeline, from lonesome parts
are greatly skilled in subtle arts.
Then rode he to his waiting hoard
and warned them of the coming lords.
The trumpets blared, the song of war 95
was loud with rancour from afar.
With sound of war, the trumpets blared
and Ubeline to arms prepared.

At length the host of mighty lords
with mace and mail and shield and sword 100
came to the shadow of a mount
where sprouted brook and crystal fount
into a stream that followed course
from secret subterranean source
down hilly slope and through a vale 105
unto the starlight shining pale,
through grasses tall and crowded tree
into the vast consuming sea.
They waited for the first command
to drive the shadow from the land. 110
The call to set with war upon
the treacherous sons of Ubelon.

The wind was blowing in the heights
as armour gleamed in silver light.
A sea of blades and shields and helms 115
from distant mighty western realms
there washed upon the mountain feet,
with cruel blades the foe to meet.
On higher ground the Ubeline
stood fast in arms, in ranks serene. 120
There rang through air a sudden blast:
the waiting battle broke at last.
Like sudden cold, like biting ice
the mighty host of Aladice
met with the lords in bitter cold 125
and brought war to the Master's fold.

While battle raged on field afar
where sky was clear and bright was star,
while spear met mail, and marred was land,
far in the south, in Fairyland 130
beyond the violent clamour's tone
the fairy king sat on his throne.
He sat in deep and searching thought,
a bloodless resolution sought;
He gathered judges great and small 135
to concourse in his mighty hall.
Beneath the light, on fields of ice
the lords contend with Aladice.
On cruel ice, neath silver light
they strove with yet untested might. 140

The snowy northern mountains reeled
and broke with clap of thunder pealed.
The rocks were smote, the field was scarred,
the rugged mountain side was marred.
The host of mighty western lords 145
pressed on the foe with spear and sword.
Midst blaring horns and clanging rings
a clash of lords, a war of kings
was played with deft of skill and might
as knights would brave the mountain height. 150
Yet incomplete were their designs
prepared against the Ubeline.
And splendid was the glorious feat
that saw the western host retreat.

The tidings of the victory spread 155
before the vanquished host had sped
through humble passes from the site
of graceless loss on mountain height.
They fled the battle field afar
and took the roads to Tungamar. 160
There, tungol lord sat on his throne.
His brow was cut from battle done.
The room was dull, and hall was dim,
the faces of the lords were grim.
The vanquished host in squalor sat. 165
Again to concourse took, whereat
they broke their vows, disbanded host.
Thus sullied was the western boast.

The fairies had assembly made
of fairy lord and fairy maid, 170
as tidings of the battle far
were brought by one from Tungamar.
The vindicated fairy lords
broke into joy, as read he words
from tungol lord to fairy king 175
that from his fair assemblage bring
his wisest council's keen advice
to rid the west of Aladice.
From fairyland, these words were sent
and reading, did the lord repent. 180
"You must forsake your haughty hand,
lest fairy folk desert this land."

While in the north was battle made
the fairy king his edicts laid,
that at the mighty king's behest 185
should fairy kin forsake the west.
And so a refuge safe was sought
if evil in their land was wrought
by Ubeline, or faithless lord
from Utter West, by might of sword 190
or curse recited from afar:
whatever would their quiet mar.
Anelion, the wisest king
had foresight of what fate would bring.
Anelion, the king divine. 195
grew wary of the Ubeline.

So plans were made, and built were boats
along the rocky eastern coast.
Under the velvet of the sky
the branded sails were lifted high 200
emblazoned with a jeweled flower
the symbol of the fairies power.
The sailors that commanded fleet
were tasked to find a safe retreat.
So with his blessing took to sail, 205
as is recorded in this tale.
And as before, they left the west;
their ships were led on foaming crests,
till sailors, as their journey wore
espied the Enedentian shore. 210

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
Hello all. This is the fourth part of my long poem. I wanted to wait for you to comment on the third, but as none was coming, I've added the fourth one. Let me know your thoughts. Thank you.
Editing stage: 


28 unread poems SAD.............

once i had endeavoured---- to read any poem over one week left as unread
in order to give an impetus to poets to compose

now I observe 28 unread..... since long

May I request each poet here
to visit the unread and help score off at least one


Hi loved. I think it's the length that puts people off.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

author comment

Sort of.
Always a joy to read. Yes, of course, I'm biased, but who cares? It is indeed a joy to read.
Nit pickings-
Check your meter on lines 45 and 90. The more consistent the rest of the poem is, the more a little stumble stands out.
Line 120 gives me a tad of the griefs. "Serene" is an adjective most commonly, though it is defined as also being a noun. I don't like it as a noun. It sounds funny. Grammatically correct, but too weird for me. Just think on it.
Line 126 is missing a space. Details. Attention to details!
There are a number of places where you use "near" rhyme (not really, but you'll add an "s" or some such thing) and I don't have a problem with it. The pace you set with this piece causes them to fly by unnoticed by all but the most discerning eye (like mine... joke). Here though I think you can grab the rhyme without difficulty. "and broke with clap of thunder pealed." Otherwise, don't shy from the little extra "s's" and such. If you questioned yourself at all... don't. They work just fine.
Line 161- should "tungol" be capitalized?

Now the important stuff. I'm going to take some time and (as soon as my new printer arrives) print, then read all parts in a sitting. They seem to be a series of short stories loosely connected, but it's been a while since reading the first three parts and I need to know before discussing what I think is the most important part- story line.
The poetry is spectacular. What I would give to write with your pace.
Don't shy from putting it all out there as you produce. Don't wait for comments. Of course something this lengthy will draw attention more slowly (I know... trust me), but if it is not here no one will be drawn to it. "I" will be here inevitably. I can do nothing less for something so like my endeavors and so well done.
Put it out there and give us time.
All of it.
Your greatest fan... me

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program

Thanks for your encouragement. For a really long time I wondered where you had been...

I've corrected the meter (sort of) in those troublesome lines.

Line 120 was a tricky one for me. This is the first time I've used 'serene' as a noun. I tweaked the line a bit to make it an adjective.

As to the nature of the story - I thought it would be a good idea to publish a blog post to explain the poem and how the story is told. I do a little bit of going back into time and skipping into the future. Also, giving enough prose background to the poetry should help make it less of a pain for the others who'd like to follow it.

Line 161 (O how I love these line numbers!) tungol is from tungoli, a special race that also inhabits the earth. Just as I wouldn't capitalize 'fairies', I wouldn't do the same to this. I doubt I've been consistent with my capitalization. I'm in the habit of not sticking to it - which is bad.

And again, thanks for your encouragement. I've ended book one in Canto 8. The story arch completed, but the prose is way ahead now, and I should start another book to continue the story.


No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

author comment

You have often capatized fairies in the other three, but don't go looking for them. I'll do it. I mentioned I was going to copy it out and hit it in one sitting... well, my printer came. I'll make notes as I read though I'm going to read it deliberately as "just a poem" and not a "critical observation project".
Serene wasn't wrong, just uncommon. I try not to worry too much about that. Uncommon, Rare, Archaic and Obselete. Those are just tools in the toolbox.
See you in Five.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program

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