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When the time has run it's course forever,
And the earth is old, and full of years,
Let the sun be empty and be ready
For some candy flower and the biscuits.
When all is neat and all is crisp and clean,
Ironed with an eye for clear cut linen,
And the smell of pansies ever potent;
Give the judge and jailer all their money.
When the heart will beat itself from living,
And the eyes with age will fall asleep,
When the dying season is upon us,
And the songs of us abandoned,
Give the gaffer bread with jam and honey,
And the coin to pay the ferry master.
--------------------------------------------
[When] the [time] has [run] [it's] course for[ever],
And the [earth] is [old], and [full] of [years],
[Let] the [sun] be [emp]ty [and] be [rea]dy
For some [can]dy [flo]wer and the [bis]cuits.
When [all] is [neat] and [all] is [crisp] and [clean],
[Ir]oned with an [eye] for [clear] cut [li]nen,
And the [smell] of [pan]sies [ev]er [po]tent;
[Give] the [judge] and [jai]ler [all] their [mon]ey.
[When] the [heart] will [beat] it[self] from [li]ving,
And the [eyes] with [age] will [fall] a[sleep],
[When] the [dy]ing [sea]son is u[pon] us,
And the [songs] of [us] a[ban]doned,
[Give] the [gaf]fer [bread] with [jam] and [ho]ney,
And the [coin] to [pay] the [fe]rry [ma]ster.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Written for the workshop on meter. I hope what I've done here is in trochaic pentameter. Since I've consciously written in meter before (just once, in a learning exercise) and I wanted to challenge myself a bit, I took the second option.
I bring my head for bashing, and my back for knocking over.
Now with the feedback, I feel this really needs some work. A lot of work. Still, I'll submit this for critique and revise it some more.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Ghana
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William Shakespeare, Lord Byron, John Keats, Percy Shelley, Oscar Wilde, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Henry Longfellow, William Yates, Ezra Pound, Sylvia Plath
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Comments
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-01-17 11:30
Endless Sleep (Iambic Pentameter)
Endless Sleep
Oh Lord, the light is fading and the room is spinning 'round.
My life before me ending as I watch the rain beat down...
When hearts are heavily laden with haunting fears and pain,
the room is filled with loneliness and sounds of falling rain...
The molten shame of memories, smolder in my private tomb.
The endless roads and streets of hell, that I walk alone;
soon shall be forgotten. I'll embrace the endless sleep.
Faith forsaken, abandoned by all hope,
my dreams have turned to dust.
Deep within this desolation,
my weary spirit knows its destination's thrust..
After years of searching for their rightful place...
All lost sheep come home some day, to the endless sleep.
*I admit openly, that I don't know much about meter of any form. I know that this poem needs lots of help. So please do critique it from start to end. knock me on my butt.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
William Saint George
Wed, 2012-01-18 05:59
A borrowed, helping hand
Here's a link to Jess's poems that'll help explain. It works best when you try to indicate the stresses in your own poems. Yes, I tried it, and I think I'm getting better at "reading" the meter.
http://new.neopoet.com/comment/56560#comment-56560
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentwesley snow
Tue, 2012-01-17 21:45
Aargh!
Sir William! Sir William! You've got it I think, but even you scanned parts of your poem as something other than trochaic. The first line in the second stanza is iambic and that's precisely how you scanned it. The next line is trochee, but you scanned a choriamb (an accented syllable followed by two unaccented syllables then an accented syllable).
So I'm confused. Your note said you hoped it was all trochaic pentameter. It is not, but you seem to know exactly what it is in every instance.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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William Saint George
Wed, 2012-01-18 05:57
You see
I noticed how off I was after the parsing, and I nearly went nuts figuring out what I'd done!
I'm working on a revision that should correct these wrongs.
I'll do better next time. I have to.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2012-01-18 15:52
But you miss my point.
You scanned everything correctly. You understood what you had written. That's the hard part, the rest is just creative decision making. Knowing what meters existed in your poem means you've got it. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
William Saint George
Wed, 2012-01-18 16:02
Thanks Wes
I guess reading out to myself helped. I thought my parsing was wrong.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2012-01-18 16:29
hello
I also noticed the mixed meters but think that whether iambic or trochaic is not where the poem needs help. It seems to trip on lines made longer entirely to fit into a predetermined number of feet. (Is this ME talking about meters and feet? lol). The 1st lines of stanzas one and two really display this unnatural type flow in my opinion, both having an add- on feel to meet a meter. You definately have the parsing down better than I do but by reading aloud to yourself you will probably see the line length trips within...........stan
William Saint George
Wed, 2012-01-18 18:52
I must admit
there was some shape-shifting going on. It was a "first" of sorts, and the spells turned out a bit awkward. I needed something to start with before going on. It seems I've gotten some work done. Will do more and post. Probably in iambics. They're so damn natural!
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2012-01-19 09:29
Let's see how it goes if I parse it.
Remember, my attempt is not definitive, poets argue about meter all day, into the night then smash each other with Absinthe bottles. You may find this method of annotation easier and less time consuming.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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William Saint George
Thu, 2012-01-19 16:41
Gee, thanks Jess
Honestly, half the time I didn't really know what I was doing. I guess I'll just have to keep the practicing going till I actually know when I'm doing this or that.
Thanks. Now I'm really motivated. :)
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentemogothgirl
Sat, 2012-01-21 17:59
oh, meter.
there was mixed meter in here, and i don't think it was that bad because the two different types (trochaic and dactylic?) fit together for the most part. some lines, however, didn't fit together (maybe it's just me)--