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The End of a Story

The room was empty.
The town
had quieted down.
As always
I was not sleeping
with my eyes closed
in the middle of the bed
much further
from the edge
than I ever wanted
I was rolling, tossing, turning...
stood up, lit a cigarette,
and looked
at your portrait again.
You've left,
gone, disappeared,
only the empty frame
was hanging open
and doors ajar.

In the alignment of contours
 the portrait, 
the doors, the mirrors,
my eyelids, the curtains,
the word FAREWELL,
the passage,
the route for my escape,
it is a deep underground well.
It is fair and hurts  as hell.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
It is a work of pure fiction. Any resemblance is pure accedental. I am joking. But there are sincere feelings in the write. One of the poets here asked for a poem with a story. Here I offer a poem about the end of it :):):)
Editing stage: 

Comments

written a couple of stream-of-consciousness poems and I really like this one. If I would change anything it is the last line (which has to be the strongest) to something like
It is fair and hurts as hell.
It is fair but hurts like hell.
I know this destroys the assonance of that line but to me it is a worthwhile trade off for the greater strength in the statement.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thank you very much for reading and commenting.
I will think about your suggestion.
I thought about it and decided that hurt like hell is more commonly used expression and often used for physical discomfort and a bit over used and carries a diminished meaning. Hurt as hell, on the other hand, makes you understand the meaning more literally .
The word like used to introduce a metaphor, while as is a plain statement of equiality.

IRiz

author comment

had.........''quietened....''
down.
perhaps
IRz

Hello my friend. Thank you for your question, I do not sense the difference except the word is harder to pronounce. Could you explain it to me.
I wrote a long comment on one of your poems, and either failed to save it or it was removed. Have you seen it? (Asking just in case)

IRiz

author comment

quieted and quietened it will give u a wider perspective

no exchange
comment for a comment
ur poetry is like was esker's
miles long
he was an endeared fiend he placed himself as my fan
just see the humility of the man
how I wish I cold return his reward
sad he has gone

no,
I have not yet seen your longish comment
nothing can be erased here by anyone else
but the originator they all confess
regardless

I think I failed to save it. Oh, God.
I will write it again at some point.
The upcoming week is going to be busy, working:(

IRiz

author comment

I think I failed to save it. Oh, God.
I will write it again at some point.
The upcoming week is going to be busy, working:(

IRiz

author comment

comment on LONELINESS

OR LOVE KIDS POEM

it was love kids

IRiz

author comment

twill be wonderful coming from you IRIZ

I quieted my cat as he had become agitated. Now that he is quietened he appears much calmer.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Yes thank you, also I can say that sea has quieted down after the storm or if your cat stressed it could quiet itself by puring. This is the meaning I used in the poem for the town. I am correct in this case.

IRiz

author comment

A stunning composition, I really like the narrative feature of the poem.Well done, IRiz.

Hello, a new face!
Thank you for reading and kind words.
I am going to check out your poems.

IRiz

author comment

qui•et•en
(kwī′ĭ-tn)
tr. & intr.v. qui•et•ened, qui•et•en•ing, qui•et•ens

Chiefly British

quiet
ˈkwʌɪət/
verb

North American
past tense: quieted; past participle: quieted
1. make or become silent, calm, or still.
"there are ways of quieting kids down"

Is I for IRENE

Lol
I is for Irene
Riz is for Riz
There is no reason
to believe
that there is
something else
hidden beneath
of a simple spell.
Except maybe the name
of a Greek goddess Iris,
an instant messenger,
connecting realms of gods,
people and other creatures.
Iris is a goddess of lightening.
But I am just IRiz tring to sound like her.

IRiz

author comment

wen I was young
we were made to sing a song
GOOD NITE IRENE
GOOD NIGHT

on a critique site, but of course I wouldn't in publication.

You rose to the challenge of story-telling well, and painted a moving picture into the bargain.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes except Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thank you:):)

IRiz

author comment
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