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the end

The angels in my night
have stilled their dance,
with the thought of you
and her, I lay on my lance

the eventide has lost
its sparkle and shine,
I sit in the darkness
and my soul does pine

the flowers are things
just growing in the ground,
their beauty is lost
it’s become quite profound

losing touch with the world
I sit on a highway of hell,
and death for me now
would not be a hard sell

this distance is growing
I am fading away,
I have to end this now
before I finish this day

I deleted your number
off my phone,
I erased your face
now I am alone

forgetting caresses
while you held me near,
negating the kisses
when you called me dear

now I wish you happiness
and a life full of blessings,
but right now my heart
is stretched and its stressing

I can’t be your friend
until this hole is filled,
and I don’t think the Doc'
has a magical pill

wait for the moon
to spill with a light,
telling you I've returned
to spectacular heights

I will hold our memory
in a secret book,
and every now and then
I shall sneak a look...

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Sound meter, a good rhyme structure, subtle metaphors, a traditional poem with untraditional ideas (phone)-
My heart swells.
I still miss the punctuation and always will. The only one I think necessary is the contraction on "its". You used the possessive when it should be "it is" therefore "it's".
That's the only suggestion I can make.

is stretched and its stressing

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Its been a long time since I have done any serious rhyming poems I am working on a few more that have been pestering me the last couple of weeks, I start writing in rhyme and I find it hard to NOT rhyme, hence my next free verse LOL I will fix up that "it's" tomorrow night, I have been working on my rhyme and structure lets see if I cant get it right sometime soon :)

thanks for the review and picking up my faux pas I really appreciate it

love JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

you make me itching to write a response to this powerful piece..so here it is.

somewhere in the album of memories
i keep the stories of a broken heart
when love is betrayed, fades or die
it feels like my soul is torn apart

but wisdom whispers to me
a promise i have longed to hear
for love will never be to me
a lost cause through the years

as long as faith embrace courage
hope will always blossom anew
for those who really believe
its a gift not for the chosen few
but for all that have lived

love
Alid

You should polish that one up and post it in the stream, its got potential :)

thank you again for the gift of words its a beautiful compliment

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

any ideas for the title? what if i change " its a gift not for the chosen few, but for all that have lived" in the last stanza into simply say "love will come true." Will that work? What do you think?

love and hugs
Alid

I've posted it as you have suggested. Called it "For Us". I need a better title.Just can't think of one now. Any ideas?

Alid

I will give the title some thought hun, I will get back to you tomorrow night

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

This I would say is a nice poem about "letting go" in a very graceful manner and close on the heels of Valentine's Day adds more meaning to it.

Much love and hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

I actually didn't realize it was Valentines Day till half the day was over LOL I don't know that this was influenced by the holiday or just the stage I am in, in life, glad you liked it hun.

much love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

I can't bring myself to offer but one suggestion and I hesitate at that. Next to last stanza, final line. try " to my former height" in order to maintain perfect rhyme. Hope all is well with you............stan

Thanks for the suggestion I really like it I will change it tomorrow night I have five edits to post but tonight I am having a tipple, I am doing as well as I can I guess hun thanks and I hope you and your family are doing beautifully.

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

and I don't think the Doc
has a magical pill...

Would suggest: And there is no magic pill,, potion or incantation....

Otherwise your raw truth so beautifully expressed never fails your remarkable artistry.

But my Jayne it is time to get angry, confront the betrayal first hand and challenge the s.o.b.face to face. It may not change anything, but you will feel better and more empowered --right now HE is in control.

love from your joe

These last few weeks I have wrote my poems with my heart on my sleeve, I cant seem to help it every few poems it rears its ugly head but its better to get it out

I don't have it in me, yet, to be angry I don't know that it ever will I am getting to old to waste time on an emotion that's going to make me feel even worse, I am just quietly licking my wounds darlin'.

Thanks for your thoughts they are always appreciated it always gives me a smile when I see you on my page

big hugs

much love your Jayne xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

its good you are feeling you are "getting to old to waste time on an emotion that's going to make me feel even worse" better if you get even. if he thinks you can't go on without him, prove him wrong. prove to yourself you can be stronger.Let me assure you that will benefits you big time. My prayers be with you, my dear.

big hugs and lots of love
Alid

but that's the thing I no long have to prove anything to him anymore, I am trying my best to move on I don't boil my eggs twice...thanks for your prayers they are appreciated

much love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

to hear. whatever it is, I hope you'll find someone else who is more worthy of you, my dear. wishing you all the best.

love and hugs
Alid

Not really looking for anyone Alid, but we never know what life has in store for us do we ? big smile

much love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

A beautiful write of anguish and being alone with memories.
The best lines that I read were:-
now I wish you happiness
and a life full of blessings,
This is where you put yourself in the place you should be, not on the gallows steps or on the river Styx or whatever it's called.
I notice that you are growing out of the turmoil of emotions that have been kicked in the ass.
Always remember that "You are Jayne and everything is within your grasp" Take care will write later,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I know I am a bit of a worry I will come good , I just need a little time to lick my wounds I guess, thank you for always being here, your one of few people I can count on to tell me what I need to hear

thank you

much love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

A trouble shared etc: doesn't work that way but it is better that you know I am here as always and have an army of friends to help.
Take care I am in Cornwall at the moment with my Son and he is very busy, will talk later, Yours as always Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Ian,

I hope your having a grand time with your Son but your missed here I look forward to your full return, I don't always like to bother you, you know, you have a life and a love and I don't like putting too much on people but its always nice to know your there for me I do appreciate that more than you could know

much love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

about the best…. see how we catch up …reading others ….so many now follow my style of free and freer verse…. as now comments they also post ….as poetic verse ….if we all did not have our individuality ….no Shakespeare would ever have been born ….and as Ian calls me a bard …though a smaller one …but still I am one ….thanks to your poem …the lost imagination …let go of all past and evil ….go slow there is more potion on earth …as not so much in heaven ….when we are totally physically …mentally and …spiritually simply none …. All forgotten ones...but then where is heaven…

loved

Your thoughts are always original and your very own I always appreciate them

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

when did you decide to start or end the dots in your poem in the middle of the verses? Begging your pardon but I'm not asking to make fun, I really want to know if syllables plays a role here. I'm not familiar with this style so I am trying to learn from you all that I can.

Alid

I do the dots even when I am leaving a comment... I don't even know when I started it its a personal style for me...its a pause for thought I guess lol Syllables have no part in it at all its just a thing I do

love JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

It's a pause thing. I think we should all be flogged. Mr. Webster would be ashamed how we misuse our punctuation... ya' know?...

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I do the three dots as I am thinking what next to say...glad I am not on my Pat Malone

Mr.Webster would flog me for my lack of use of punctuation ;)

JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment
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